Fantasy Football Manifesto: Don’t Have a Crappy Team Name

by Stan, The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

Every year NFL.com runs this shitty campaign about the rules of Fantasy Football. It’s a chance to pop the cherries on the few remaining people out there that have yet to try Fantasy Football. In reality it’s a nice little campaign for the novice, but for us we are PROS at this shit and needed to come up with a manifesto that relates better to our needs. And so today we are opening the first topic on the importance of team names.

Simply stated, I can’t stress enough just how important a team name really is for Fantasy Football. It defines who you are as an owner and what you are going to bring to the table week in and week out. It needs to be a well thought out process and next to marriage or buying your first home, it’s probably the 3rd most important decision in a person’s life.

The first step is knowing your audience. I mean if you’re playing in a league with Mike, Bob and Joe from the office…you may have to discretely censor yourself. For example, a name like “Taught Ballbag” or “Seething Phallus” probably won’t suffice. You’d better think of something intriguing, but less explicit. In these instances I like to pull out a name like the “Four Skins.” Note the spelling and though they may think they know what you mean, you can always disguise it by claiming it refers to Golf.
Trust me, you’ll feel better knowing you’ve duped them into not thinking you’re a total pervert. Anyhow, do not ever under any circumstances pull out a fucking name like “The Destroyers” or “Gridiron Glory” or “Fin to Win.” Gay. Gay. Gay. Nothing says “here is my douche bag subpoena to be me made fun of all season long like a shitty team name” amongst co-workers.
Once we start talking about the league with your buddies…the stakes get raised. You’ve got to come strong or simply submit to being the designated as the “mangina” of the league. Censorship is out the window in these leagues and like an interview for a job, you only have one chance to make a good first impression.
Now, I’ve heard and seen some great names floating around this here internet from time to time. Here are a few examples of such names of which I will take NO credit for; 3rd and Long Duk Dong, Shartzilla, Air Tight Rape, Romancing the Bone, DBL Perpetrator, Good Touch/Bad Touch, Cuntstick, Open Wound, Optimus Cock, etc. These are all GREAT examples of a team name and could be used with discretion if you see fit in your own league.
However, remember the last thing you want to do is come off as un-original. For me, I use the “OBCO” method when I name my Fantasy teams. Have an ORIGINAL, BOLD, CREATIVE and hopefully OFFENSIVE team name. If your team name sucks…chances are your team is going to suck, it’s just a fact. The name should come to you in lights, kind of how Eddie from Torrance explained the name “Dirk Diggler” to Jack Horner and Reed Rothschild. You’ll know the name when it hits you, it will just feel right.
Um, for the record any name from “Boogie Nights” should now be off limits due to being played out. And that gets me onto the notion of DO NOT ever use the same theme or copycat somebody else’s team name/idea. Credibility lost. For the record, several years back I used the name “Chest Rockwell” and one year we let a new guy into our league and he straight up gangked the notion and used “Dirk Diggler” as his name. It was a long season of shame for the offender.
Lastly, once you have your name just fucking stick with it. If you failed miserably the first go round…start prepping for next season to get it right. You totally deserve the “dude you need to douche your pussy” jokes all season long. Sporadic name changes only serve the notion that your team sucks and you have ZERO creativity.
And so with that, we’re off to hit the think pad and establish the perfect name for this year’s teams. Best of luck with your league and your team name. As always, comments and name suggestions are very welcome below.

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3 responses to “Fantasy Football Manifesto: Don’t Have a Crappy Team Name

  1. Rae Carruth's Trunk

    Here is my standard procedure. Whatever I’m making a name for, be it a fantasy team (which I will say, I haven’t done in about 4 years), or even a blogger name, I come up with some dead, crippled or murderous star. A few of my teams have been “Bryan Berard’s Eyeball” “Herb Brooks is on a Roll” “The Mike Utley 5k” and if I ever play baseball again, “Uggie’s garnerer’s heater”

  2. Rupert Entwistle

    Also, never CAPITALIZE the name of your team.

  3. The caps thing: really? Shit, I’m already sunk…

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