NOTHING BUTT THE BEST OF JAPAN

by Don, With Malice…

Bringing you the best of ass…

Recently Triumph International under their ‘Sloggi’ brand name held a competition of ‘ass assessment’. Immediately I thought of you, gentle readers.

The winner was Kaho Watanabe, who now moves onto the World Finale in Germany, where she’ll compete against the hottest heinies in the world.

Asstastic video after the jump.

Nice rear-end, but I dunno… I seem to see more delectable derrieres almost daily. But nothing wrong with Kaho’s ass.

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WOULD YOU RETURN YOUR MEDAL?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe.

This week the EC writers debate “If you were one of Marion Jones’ teammates on the relay team that won a medal, would you give it back?”

Bstone, Brahsome: Yeah. I’d attach it to the Civil Summons for the huge f**king class action suit that me and the rest of the team would drop on her ass. Punitive damages request of about $25 millions sounds about right.

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: Only if I could get a book deal out of it. Let’s face it, their names aren’t exactly tripping off the tongue here.

Mac G, Mac G’s World: Is it not a bronze? I would not give it back because I still do not trust the Germans, Russians or Easter European sprinters for being clean. Have you seen those women? I mean men.

Don, With Malice…: I’d give it back I guess, but I’d be pissed as all hell at Jones. Just as pissed that she’s broke now too, as any hope of recouping some money out of it’s gone too.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: I wouldn’t return my, because although our “team” performance was effected by someone that knowingly/unknowingly cheated, it’s not as if I did that to win my event. If everyone thought it to be morally unacceptable, I would return it. But unless that were to happen, the medal is mine. And I earned it.

Jacob, Vegas Watch: Being in the Olympics means you inevitably did a sh*tload of steroids yourself, so yes, I would give it back.

Simon, SimonOnSports: Hell no, I would just say a I lost it or maybe I would eBay the thing like OJ did to his Heisman Trophy. Nothing in this world is free.

Richie Rich, Home Run Derby: Hell no. If the IOC wanted it, they could go to eBay like everyone else.

WCT, Wasting Company Time: I would never give back my medal. Do the ‘89 oakland A’s have to give back their championship rings because their teammate was juicing? If I were Passion, I would have no problem keeping my medal, assuming Passion is clean.

Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond: I’d fish out a dead fetus from one of those abortion clinics I hang out at and put it in the box and return it. Kinda like the horse’s head move from The Godfather … but funnier.

Andrew, The Grand National Championships: No. You cannot force a team to give back any award for the mistakes of one person.

BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity: If my name were Passion Richardson, I’d never give sh*t back. Badass name.

So that’s three to return, and nine to keep.

What would you do? Tell us in the comments.

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE ATHLETE?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers debate “Who is your favorite athlete of all time, and why?”

Sterling Gould, More Credible: My favorite athlete of all time has to be Percy Harvin (figures right?). I suppose because I actually met him in person and I had a premonition that he was on his way to stardom at the University of Florida. I love how he plays, 100% at all time and the fact he can line up anywhere on the field and be effective. I took a picture of him and I, it’s pretty much the coolest picture ever.

The heart surrounding it wasn’t put there by me. I promise.

Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict: No contest — Reggie Miller. Growing up as a tall, skinny, mouthy little sh**, I identified with Reggie. What separated Reg from other athletes was his ability to thrive under pressure. He played better in the playoffs than the regular season, and better in the fourth quarter than the previous three. Not only did he possess the ability to takeover games, he often willed his Indiana Pacers to victory with last-minute heroics. Did I write heroics? I meant miracles. How did a kid who was born with leg deformities — he had to wear Forrest Gump-like leg braces for several years as a child — run circles around the competition? I don’t know, but Reggie did it for 18 years, and he did it for only one team. Both his dedication and loyalty were unique, and are traits that aren’t often found in today’s fickle sports landscape. And, c’mon, you watch TNT — dude’s one cool cat.

dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone: My favorite athlete of all-time is…Surprise, surprise…Tiger Woods.

The obvious, and very bandwagonish answer as to why — THE MAN IS UN-BE-FRIKKIN’-LIEVABLE! He’s on pace to shatter the all-time wins record, he has a smokin’ hot wife, and craps silver dollars and then wipes with Benjamins.

The 100% honest answer — I remember watching him win the Masters in ‘97. I had been interested in golf for awhile by then thanks to my granddad, but if there was any question as to my future as an obsessive fan of the game, that final Sunday sealed the deal and locked me in. Everything about it amazed me; from the margin of victory to the fist pump. Tiger was young, likable, and ready to take over the game. Even as a kid, I could just tell there was something special about him.

Now, I live and die with every shot the man takes. I literally hold my breath every time he takes the club away, and I feel no shame.

Brian P. Foley, The College Baseball Blog: Cam Neely.

This guy was the best power forward in Hockey during the early 90’s. He made the Bruins relevant in Boston with his grit and his great skill on the ice. He just played with so much heart and is still a great guy in the community. He even scored 50 goals in 44 games in 1993-94 season.

Simon, SimonOnSports: My favorite athlete of all time is Chris Webber. Why because baggy shorts were cool and I was 9 so I picked up Michigan as a life long love. Nothing was sweeter than watching CWebb and the Wolverines fly up and down the court and dunk on every stupid Big Ten team. I followed him as a fan everywhere he’s gone which unfortunately does not include Tyra Banks’ Victoria’s Secrets. Plus, I have a sweet CWebb Bullets jersey.

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: Mine changes a lot, but until someone can do better than this ———————–>

He’s my fave.

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: Andrew Toney, shooting guard for the great Sixers’ teams of the early ’80s.

Andrew’s game was pure and perfect in its utter simplicity: he had a quicker first step than anyone who ever played basketball. So you either had to play off him and watch him nail jumpers with this fascinating cobra-twitch of a shot motion, or come out to guard him and watch him blow past you to the rack.

Andrew’s nickname was The Boston Strangler, which is also the coolest nickname ever. I will brook no arguments over this.

When Danny Ainge used to try to guard him, Andrew had this utter disdain in his body language, like he was insulted by Ainge’s very existence. (He wouldn’t be the last to have that reaction.) So the cobra strike would! hit, Ainge would flail and foul and look like the awkward awful white guy in your pick up game, and all would be well in the universe.

Sixer fans worshiped Julius Erving like a piece of art, admired Moses Malone for his sheer plowhorse rebounding, trust Mo Cheeks to always make the right play, and identify with the gawky defensive wonder that was Bobby Jones. But Andrew? We just loved him.

Like many of the treasured athletes in people’s memories, Andrew ended fast; persistent foot injuries and disagreements with the Sixers’ coaching and medical staff led him to a bitter and early retirement, and he hasn’t been back much since. I think this actually adds to his appeal, since no one ever had to watch him without all of his gifts, and the low profile adds to the mystery. In the early 90s, as I finally had enough scratch and the means to go to Sixers games on my own and the team was horrifying, I’d just imagine what things would be like if that 22 jersey came thr! ough the doors.

Since those ’80s teams were loaded and balanced , Andrew rarely had the big scoring averages that transcend the era; it’s rare to think of a guy with a career 15.9 scoring average as your favorite player ever. Which, well, makes it even better. You had to see him.

Don, With Malice…: David Campese, Australian Rugby Team (The Wallabies) winger.

Perhaps the best winger to ever play the game, Campo had an instinctive brilliance about him. He used his patented “goose step” – a high kick stutter-stepping motion – to befuddle defenders, and get past pretty much anyone the game had to offer. Hailed by even his opponents as amazing, in his first tour of rugby powerhouse New Zealand, even their legendary winger Stu Wilson was said to have nightmares about Campese – and Campo at the ripe ol’ age of 19.

In later years, his zig-zag run at Welsh center Robert Ackerman in Cardiff, Wales is considered to be pure artistry – even the home crowd leapt to their feet to applaud… and at this stage he’s only 22 (clip of Campese turning Ackerman left & right).

Campese was brilliant, daring… but also flawed. The risks he took sometimes didn’t pay dividends, tho’ more often than not they did. He sums up what’s great about Australian rugby – the slashing back, the devil-may-care run.

Liston, Introducing Liston: My favorite athlete of all time is Jesus Christ. He was/will be a stud (again). Now, I know that we don’t have any actual proof that Jesus played any sports (Is getting crucified a sport?), but could anybody conceivably be better at anything, let alone sports, than the Son of God? Maybe Tim Duncan, but that’s about it. Come to think of it, yes, Tim Duncan is probably better than Jesus at everything. I mean, he’s Timothy-frigg’n-Duncan! He’s won like, a thousand championship and scored about a billion points! I’ve changed my mind. Forget Jesus, my favorite athlete of all time is Tim Duncan.

So, who is your favorite, and why?

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41′S TOO YOUNG TO DIE

by Don, With Malice…

Chris Mainwaring was an Australian football player of almost cult status. Playing for Perth’s West Coast Eagles, he was a damn good footballer. Post his playing days, he developed a career in Sports Media. At age 41, he was considered to be a ‘great bloke’. He had a very good job, a moderate level of fame, a beautiful wife, and two gorgeous kids. Life’s good.

And on October 1st, he died.

Whilst the official reason of the death is thus far listed as ‘heart failure’, unfortunate rumors are rife of drug use being the villain, or at least as a contributing factor. Mainwaring was intending on competing in a celebrity kick-boxing event to be held on October 4th, and was training extensively for it. He’d trained quite a bit with recently retired cricketer Justin Langer (who holds a black belt in Zen Du Kai), who he was to fight in a bout for charity.
Doctors speculate that a combination of dehydration from exercise, ecstasy, and his age may have been contributing factors to Mainwaring’s death.

Friends of Mainwaring’s had been concerned for a little while. Footballer Ben Cousins, who Mainwaring had helped through his own drug problems, had visited him often in the past few weeks. Ex-footballer Brad Hardie had said that he was concerned about Mainwaring’s state of mind.
“There have been concerns about Chris over the last couple of weeks now,” Hardie stated. “Obviously things weren’t totally together in his private life.”

This comes right on top of the AFL’s (Australian Football League) battle with Network 7 over disclosure of confidential medical reports naming players on drugs… on top of ex-NRL star Andrew Johns being caught with ecstasy in London…
Australians are currently in a state of shock over the state of affairs in Aussie sport. It seems every other week a new crushing event occurs, sending the sports-world into disarray.

At this point in time, the truth is not known about Chris Mainwaring’s death. An autopsy and possible police inquiry will in time discover how he died.

One thing is for sure: Mainwaring’s death, however caused, was tragic. 41 is far too young to die.

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WELSH OUT OF TUNE, IRISH JIG BACK HOME

by Don, With Malice…

As predicted, the Welsh & Irish are out of the Rugby World Cup. The weekend all pretty well went as discussed – tho’ some margins were incorrect.

In review:

England 36 – Tonga 20
In the end, England just had a little bit too much of everything for Tonga. Including some nasty decisions from the ref that went the way of the English, and some divine intervention in the way of very cold and wet conditions to play in. What made for a sloppy game, Jonny was Jonny yet again – the English win & head to Marseille where Australia lies in anticipation of their quarter final.

New Zealand 85 – Romania 8
Whilst there were a few slip-ups for the All Blacks, this was indeed naught more than a training run for them. The Romanian forwards were quite impressive, and for 75% of the game equal to the AB pack. However games go 80+ minutes, and you can’t only play 60 of ‘em. Added to this lack of stamina, the New Zealand backs ran the Romanians ragged.
A fitting end to pool play for NZ.

Australia 37 – Canada 6
The scoreline doesn’t do the Canadians justice, as they fought hard against a superior team all day (despite this being a ‘B’ side). Australia’s backs were more than Canada could handle – Drew Mitchell scoring a pair of tries that made him the leading try scorer in the tournament to date, passing David Campese’s Australian record of 6 tries in the tournament.
Australia now play England in the quarters, in a replay of 2003’s final.

Fiji 38 – Wales 34
The upset of the tournament, and one I predicted to occur. With everything on the line – as the winner would go to the QFs, the Welsh were surprised out of the gates by a rampant Fiji, but they had the discipline to peg them back. With but a few minutes to go, Wales took the lead – only to have it stolen back by Fijian Graham Dewes with only 6 minutes to go. The 4 points were enough, and Fiji head into the Quarters to play South Africa. Unfortunately they’ll do so without inspirational Nicky Little, who injured his knee in the dying minutes of the game.

Scotland 18 – Italy 16
Scotland win what was a lack-luster affair. Any game that’s won by the team that scores the fewest tries is just ‘wrong’ in my book. Not that Italy scored a brace – they scored one. But Scotland scored their 18 points off 6 penalty kicks. Ugh.

Argentina 30 – Ireland 15
Ireland have sorely embarrassed themselves this tournament. For the first time ever, they have scored fewer points than have been scored against them. They struggled pretty much in every game, and some serious soul-searching has to occur in the Emerald Isle. Argentina have scoured the NH opponents they’ve faced, and they have to face another in the Quarters – Scotland. I do not see Los Pumas having any problems with yet another NH opponent.

France 64 – Georgia 7
France have built up a bit of steam heading into their quarter-final clash with the seemingly indomitable All Blacks. Since losing to Argentina in the opening game of the tournament, they have done what should be done. In 1999, the French achieved the impossible, and beat an All Black unit counted as unbeatable, expelling them from the tournament. This year, I think they’ll find the ABs ready.

South Africa 64 – USA 15
The US have played some damn good rugby this World Cup, but go home without a win. Excellent performances in the games against England, Samoa and Tonga… and perhaps the try of the tournament by Ngwenya on South Africa’s Brian Habana.
The Springboks move to play Fiji in the QFs – and really shouldn’t have too much trouble there.

Quarter Finals…
England vs Australia – too much from the backs of the Wallabies. Aus by 20.
New Zealand vs France – Another good game, but the All Black machine rolls on to the tune of 24 points.
South Africa vs Fiji – The islanders’ race is run. ‘Boks by 30.
Argentina vs Scotland – winning purely on penalties isn’t enough. Los Pumas by 15.

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MASSIVE WEEK IN RUGBY WORLD CUP…

by Don, With Malice…

Rugby World Cup, well… the week in review:

1. Scotland 42 – Namibia 0. The Scots did well here, keeping any team from scoring in a World Cup is a feat. Still, only a minnow, and the Scots will have to improve considerably if they’re to threaten any of the major powers.

2. Italy 31 – Romania 5. Ugh. Ugly, ugly game. Italians face Scotland end of this week, and the winner will go on to the Quarters. Won’t be Italy.

3. Wales 72 – Japan 18. Despite the scoreline, Japan were in this for quite a while. They actually had more territory gained than Wales, tho’ the Welsh had a greater time of possession. Wales face Fiji to see who will join Australia from this pool to go to the Quarters… and they have their work cut out for them. Bloody awful.

4. France 25 – Ireland 3. Ireland have gone steadily from bad to worse this World Cup… and this loss just about finishes it. They face an in-form Argentina this week & must beat them by a considerable amount to get through. Not. Going. To. Happen. The French are on the improve… look out for them in the Quarters…

5. South Africa 30 – Tonga 25. South Africa – you’ve used your “get-out-of-jail-free” card. Starting what was almost their ‘B’ side, the ‘Boks went into the half-time break down by 3. Shocked into bringing 4 resting stars on, they still only just fell in. 2 more minutes, and Tonga win this game. And that would’ve been one of the upsets of the century.

6. England 44 – Samoa 22. Despite this score, Samoa were in this. Only the boot of Jonny Wilkinson won the game here (2 drop-goals, 3 conversions, 4 penalties). Still not convinced England can get past Tonga, let alone make the QFs.

7. Argentina 63 – Namibia 3. Only team to not have a try scored against them thus far, Los Pumas look very strong indeed. Namibia are going to be lucky to win a game this WC… I don’t think they can get their last game against Georgia.

8. Australia 55 – Fiji 12. There were times when Australia didn’t look too convincing in this game, & I for one believe that’s just testament to the impact skipper Sterling Mortlock has on the team – he was resting. Chris Latham was in awesome form – his tactical kicking is amongst the best in the game.
Still, Australia have yet to be seriously challenged in the tournament thus far. Fiji look to Wales, and the possibility of a QF berth.

9. New Zealand 40 – Scotland 0. Bloody confusing affair – Scotland as home team insisted that the All Blacks don’t wear their black uniforms as it would clash with their dark navy home strips, then the SCOTS wear their away strip & it’s difficult at times to tell them apart. Whoever made that decision should be shot.
Anyway… the All Blacks waaaaaaay above anyone else in their pool – as proven by their slaughter of ‘Scotland the Brave’.

On to next week:

Scotland play Italy – winner through to QFs…
Tonga play England – winner through to QFs…
Wales play Fiji – winner through to QFs…
Argentina play Ireland – winner through to QFs… but Ireland would have to beat Los Pumas by a lot.

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WHAT TO DO WITH #756*

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers debate “What should Marc Ecko do with Barry Bonds’ #756 home run ball?”

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: He should artificially increase the size of the ball, because More Ball is Good, so that it entirely fills Pac Bell Park.

Then, it should be mounted there permanently, so that the Giants and their fans can better appreciate their decision to contribute to history.

Also, Bonds should be forced / allowed to play for the Giants for as long as he likes, at his current salary level or better.

After all, More Ball is Good. It’s only right.

Simon, SimonOnSports: I think he should brand it with an asterisk then give it to the hall of fame to encase in a urinal with the ball semi exposed with a plastic covering. So that every generation of fan can urinate on Barry Bonds record.

Sorry females… Maybe they can encase 755 in a little pop a squat chamber in the ladies room.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: Is there any way to launch the ball up Barry’s ass?

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: I think Ecko should take the ball and stick a syringe into it, then tell the Hall of Fame that they can only have it for display if they keep the syringe in place. If that doesn’t fly then he should tell Barry that he can have have it if he admits that he cheated to reach the record. And if that doesn’t happen, he should simply take a dump on it and throw it into the Hudson River.

WCK, 100% Injury Rate: Give it to me, I’m $750,000 in debt.

Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes: Give it to the winner of the first annual Kenny Mayne Kayak olympiad.

BD, Sports Show On Mute: Send it to the hall of fame with or without the branding. As tainted as it is it should still be in the hall.

Don, With Malice…: Mount it on a keyfob and send it to Sadaharu Oh.

BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity: He should sell the ball to someone else. Then they should use the ball to turn people’s contempt for Barry Bonds into a meaningless publicity stunt.

Oh.

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NORTHERN HEMISPHERE: YOU SUCK!

by Don, With Malice…

Since the last update of the Rugby World Cup 07, the Northern Hemisphere big-boys have continued to be sucktastic, whilst the ‘minnows’ & Southern Hemisphere powers have continued to impress.

1. South Africa 36 – England 0. Yup, the current title holders are in serious danger of not even making it out of pool-play. Never in the history of the World Cup has the previous Cup’s winner been beaten so comprehensively. The only English player who looked at all like he’d come to play was Andy Robinson, and he went off in the 57th minute with a torn hamstring. The Boks were damn impressive, and ran over the English at will. The English Rose looked tired & cumbersome – I cannot see them getting beyond the quarters… as mentioned before, they will have trouble getting that far!

2. New Zealand 108 – Portugal 13. A pretty impressive performance – by Portugal! Yes, to score a try when you’re a minnow against the best team in the world is indeed, an impressive feat. Still, the All Blacks trotted out a 2nd string line-up, and still got the biggest score differential thus far this tournament.
All Black ‘Ka Mate’ Haka versus Portugal…

3. Australia 32 – Wales 20. Played in Cardiff, Wales (yeah… pretty crappy for a tournament supposedly held in France)… the Wallabies fought both a disgustingly unstable surface and a pathetic refereeing performance from Kiwi Steve Walsh. They got out in front early and despite the occasional threat from Wales, defended their score well. Two yellow cards towards the end (and the resulting expulsions to the sin-bin), made it appear closer than it should have. Disgusted that Drew Mitchell was carded, but Welsh Captain Gareth Thomas got off with a ‘talking to’ for his extremely late & hard hit on Australian newcomer Berrick Barnes.

4. Ireland 14 – Georgia 10. Yet again Ireland have one helluva time beating a team they were expected to THRASH. One of the ‘powers-of-rugby’ that the Northern Hemisphere had been boasting about, and at this point in time, it’s very difficult to see them getting by France & Argentina. Quite simply, the Irish were lucky to get away with this one. They are floundering in the deep end, and Georgia smelt the blood. Ireland have played the two minnows of the pool in Namibia (32-17) and Georgia. Failing to get the bonus point for 4 tries here may make the difference in seeing who goes through to the finals, with the Irish yet to face Les Bleus or Los Pumas. In my mind – Ireland will be able to sample the French wine a lil’ earlier than Argentina or France.

5. Fiji 29 – Canada 16 (in Cardiff). Welsh commentary. Ugh. Had to put up with the parochial buggers in the Wales/Australia game, and this was almost as bad. Very pro-Canada (some ex-Welsh playing there)…
Still, the uncertain footing of the surface made it closer than it should’ve been – with the Fijian boys struggling to play the running game. Canada did fight hard, but the strength out wide of the Islanders made it just an impossible task.
The game versus an injury-depleted Japan could be a damn interesting one for Canada on the 25th…

6. Tonga 19 – Samoa 15. This was huge. Two of the hardest-hitting teams in the tournament… For these two sides, here’s your World Cup right here!
Earlier this year Tonga were beaten by Samoa by some 50 points… so for the Tongans to get up here was awesome. They simply played with more hustle, more passion than the Samoans.
Samoa vs Tonga – Kailao vs Sipi Tau

7. France 87 – Namibia 10. The fact that the Irish only managed to beat the Namibians by 15 still amazes me. This smashing victory by Les Bleus puts that in sharp contrast. Finally, a performance by one of the Northern Hemisphere powers worth commenting on. France didn’t do anything special tho’ – this is just what was expected. France loom large for Ireland, coming up on Friday.

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WHAT COULD STOP YOU FROM WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers debate “Under what conditions would you *not* watch the Super Bowl?”

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and my Eagles are playing the hated Patriots in a a rematch of Super Bowl 39 (I use Arabic numbers to stick it to the Ro-Man). I’m barricaded in my Basement Man Space, with the non-sports-watching family upstairs. Surround sound is pumped, I’ve lifted weights for the last two hours in a fit of nervous energy, and all of the cock-tease years are about to come crashing down — as twelve starting Patriots have all been busted on an HGH sting in the bye week. Vegas took the line off the board after it got to 20. It’s as close to a coronation as will ever been seen in a Super Bowl.

Five minutes before kickoff, I hear a knock on the basement door. I open it, and out walks ! a much older me, carrying a loaded handgun. The older me tells me that he’s come from the future with an urgent message — that the Birds are going to jump out to a huge lead, decapitate Brady, and then piss away a 31 point lead in the fourth quarter on bad officiating, otherworldly luck, and a clear middle finger from God Almighty that the team is just never, ever going to win the Big Game.

Older Me is the real deal: he can answer intimate questions about my life. He shows me pictures of my kids growing up, their grandkids. He tells me about how my writing has become critically acclaimed, and how I’ve made more money than I ever believed possible — but that the memory of the Super Bowl loss has haunted me for decades. He then says, “You know what you need to do,” and fades away.

I twirl the handgun around in my hands. I hear my kids playing upstairs. I see the Eagles come out of the locker room. I think. And think.

And then, as the kickoff is in the air, I fire the gun into the television, Elvis-style, gently put the gun away, go upstairs to play with my kids, and never watch another minute of NFL football for the rest of my life.

WCK, 100% Injury Rate: If I were dead.

Simple, yet deep.

BD, Sports Show On Mute: I’d either have to be dead or in the middle of an orgy that features myself and four women. Then again, there is one other way. If I were [doing some fun things to] either Jessica Alba or Biel. That’s about it. Otherwise I’m half drunk and watching the Super Bowl.

SportsGirl365, Strike Zones and End Zones: No way. Even in the event of an orgy, that’s what halftime is for.

dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone: Sarah’s right…In my experience, halftime orgies are, BY FAR, the best kind and only way to go so as to miss absolutely NO football action…Really, who needs to see Janet Jackson’s right tit-tay anyway?

BD: I stand corrected. Maybe I overestimated how long I’d last. Then again the Super Bowl halftime show is about a half hour. Plenty of time.

Hank Worrell, Winning the Turnover Battle: About the only way I wouldn’t watch the Super Bowl would be if it was Comboys vs. Patriots. I wouldn’t be able to stand watching the game knowing there would be no happy ending. Kind of like what a national championship game between Oklahoma and Notre Dame would feel like. Vomit.

Davey, Blown Coverage: Giants vs. Colts.

Manning vs. Manning. I will probably give up on sports should that ever happen…

The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report: The only way that I would not watch the Super Bowl would be if Bill Belichick calls me the night before the game and asks me to video tape assistant coaches for him. Otherwise it’s by far my favorite Sunday of the year and I wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Brian P. Foley, The College Baseball Blog: If I spent the night with Jessica Alba.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: I would not watch the super bowl if I was getting some ass.

Don, With Malice…: Given that the Super Bowl occurs for me on Monday mornings… I’d have to state that the only thing that could stop me from not watching it would be… work. At least if I can’t finagle my way out of it!

Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict: I would not watch the Super Bowl if it featured those snore-inducing San Antonio Spurs. They are so good — and, more importantly, so determined to make me a miserable sports fan — that they could find a way to defy logic and meet the New England Patriots in The Big Game. That’s about the only thing that could kill my interest, not to mention the ratings.

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: The only way I would not watch the Super Bowl is if the Lingerie Bowl was expanded to a full three hours. And the only way any of these guys (including me) would be having any sex with Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel would be if they were actually in that very same Super Bowl, so that ain’t happenin’.

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So You Think You Know Football?

by Don, With Malice…

Like all pro-sports teams nowadays, NFL franchises are businesses. And they say that only 1-in-10 of all new businesses survives… Football’s been better than that, but there have been those that have fallen by the wayside. Do you know what teams they were?

Defunct NFL Franchises, Part 1
Defunct NFL Franchises, Part 2

Try ‘em…

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