THE NICKELODEON: NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL ON NBC

Far be it from me to pile on Notre Dame and their fans when they are down, way down, like ranked below former D-III team Buffalo down, but it is highly possible that NBC maybe, just maybe, is regretting signing the school to that long-term TV contract.

View the latest NBC Notre Dame ad after the jump.

(Credit Brahsome with the find.)

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MATCH.COM MONDAYS: JOHN MADDEN

by Rupert, Ghosts of WayneFontes

As we make our way through this world, we’re all trying to do one thing… procreate. But sometimes, it’s hard to find a partner who shares the same interests as you do. I’m all about love baby, so I’ll be promoting the Match.com profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!

This Week’s Featured Profile: John Madden
Display Name: That_Truck_Came_From_Me
Status: Online now!

* age: 71. When you have a birthday, you get older.
* seeking: A replacement for Pat Summerall to ride the bus with me. Also, turkey legs.

Relationships: Married to Virginia Madden
Have kids: Two
Ethnicity: White
Body type: Pretty fat
Height: 6′4″
Religion: When you go to church, you’re a Christian. When you go to temple, you’re a Jew.
Smoke: No
Drink: Possibly a lot and on the air, but not for sure

My Job:
Commentator for the NFL on NBC.

Favorite Hot Spots:
My bus. I am scared to fly, so I always ride the Madden bus. Please hold the short bus jokes though, it’s full size.

For Fun:
I enjoy eating a lot – particularly genetically enhanced mutant meats with multiple legs. When you eat a big meal, you later take a big dump. I love circling things and drawing on the TV screens. Finally I like saying really weird sexual inuendos and getting away with it, because nobody suspects me, such as this, “See in the line you have the A hole, the B hole and the C hole. And watch this right here, Ricky Williams takes it up the A hole.”

Favorite Things:
I love making up brilliant “Maddensims.” Typically, I say things that either make no sense whatsoever and other times I just state things that are totally obvious. Like this one, “The whole play starts when the center snaps the ball, and if you don’t have a center you can’t start the play.” Either way, the people seems to like it. They keeping putting me on these video games. When I can’t think of stuff to say, I make a noise like “boom” or “Pow” like in Batman.

Last Read:
I’m A Stranger Here Myself by Bill Bryson. Bryson is always cracking jokes and getting into stcky situations just like me.

About Me and Who I’m Looking For:
I need someone to share the booth with me who can keep me under control. Ever since Pat left, I am going off the deep end. He was the Cousin Larry to my Balki.

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THE NICKELODEON: DANE COOK "IS" BASEBALL

Seriously, who is Dane Cook? I really don’t know … and don’t care enough to do a Web search. The folks at Saturday Night Live might know who he is and they find him annoying too.

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WHO WOULD YOU DO: STERLING VS. BOHCHRIS

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

We’ve taken a little flack from our blogging brethren in our first segment of the WWYD? series, but I think we found a match up everyone can smile about. Part of being a Carnie here at the Carnival, you’ve got to take one for the team. Every once in a while, you’ve got to be the freak in the freak show. Lucky for Chris and yours truly, we’re not freaks. We’re just two very sexy gentlemen, and we don’t mind showing a little skin for a good cause. Now it’s up for you to decide…
“Who is the Sexy”?

Click image to enlarge
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about my opponent Chris:

Blog: Blog of Hilarity

Interests: Saving children from burning buildings, Cartography, Sensual Massage, Television

Favorite Sports: Football, Basketball, Dwarf tossing

Talents: I once saw this grizzly bear and punched him in his face. He told me the meaning of life. So I think I’d be good at interrogation.

Self-Promotions?: My grandfather is on this really cool website that I think everyone would enjoy. It’s pretty adorable. www.lemonparty.org It might not be safe for work if your job doesn’t like adorable grandpas.

And now myself:

Blog: duuuuuh, More Credible you sillyz. It’s clearly the most popular one out there.

Interests: I like to play golf, loud heavy rock music, expensive poker games I can’t afford, drunk chicks looking to score, video games, thinking about forever, a strong drink, holding hands, skipping rocks over water, and that feeling you get when you take a sip from orange juice.

Favorite Sports: Football (College or Pro), Golf, Baseball (Pro), Basketball (College or Pro), Soccer, and women’s Pillow Fighting.

Talents: I’m a mean song writer, and I’m solid at the guitar. I’m also the man at munching burning some rug.

Self-Promotion?: Self promote? Hell no man. My body speaks for itself. Have you seen my tan? And how about that ink? Pretty neato, huh? Don’t hold back ladies, I know you’re impressed. And there’s more of that back at my place… and I know what you’re thinking right now. Yes, I do have a name for my apartment. It’s called “Shag Force 1″.

Now that you’ve got some background, it’s time to decide:

<a href=”http://polls.blogflux.com/poll-17718.html”>Take the poll</a><br /><br /><a href=”http://polls.blogflux.com/”>Free Poll by Blog Flux</a>

And just remember readers, keeping it in the pants is to your discretion.

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E.C. EXTRA! ARIZONA GOVERNOR BETS GRAND CANYON ON D-BACKS

PHOENIX–A lighthearted tradition between public officials has taken on a whole new importance this week, as Arizona governor Janet Napolitano (D) has wagered the Grand Canyon on the Arizona Diamondbacks in a friendly wager with Colorado governor Bill Ritter (D).

“We were just sort of chatting on the phone about our good fortune,” Napolitano said. “Bill was giving me a hard time about how much better he thought the Rockies were. So I said, ‘Care to make it interesting?’ Things just sort of escalated from there.”

Friendly wagers between public officials from states are not uncommon during major athletic events, often including t-shirts from a local university or maybe a food that is associated with the area and frozen. That is precisely how this wager began, with Ritter offering to wager some University of Colorado giant foam fingers, and a few of the state’s popular microbrews.

“I was just trying to have a little fun,” Ritter said. “Then she goes and puts up the Grand Canyon. How am I supposed to respond to that?”

Ritter asked Napolitano what he could stake against the canyon; she responded by demanding the entire University of Colorado system; the City of Colorado Springs; and the Winter Park ski resort. After hours of cajoling, Napolitano got Ritter to reluctantly agree to the bet. She immediately notified the press of the wager, to “lock it in,” and then allegedly placed a call to Brandon Webb and offered him a bonus of 12 extra inches of fresh powdered snow, whenever he wants it this winter, in exchange for a shutout.

There was some debate as to whether Napolitano, as a state governor, is allowed to trade a national park. However, some research by SSNN confirms that there is a historical background for this sort of thing, from 1957, when then-California governor Richard Nixon used Yellowstone National Park as a buy-in for a $20-$40 stud poker game. Nixon won in that game and was able to hold on to the park, and the rest is history.

Napolitano, for her part, downplayed the intensity of the wager to reporters.

“Look, it’s not Breckenridge. It’s Winter Park. Let’s not get carried away here.”

A couple times a week the folks at Serious Sports News Network will be submitting exclusive content to Epic Carnival. Visit them at www.SeriousSportsNewsNetwork.com and check back regularly for exclusive SSNN content, found only on EC.

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SCOTT SKILES, HEADBANDS AND 10 OTHER STUPID, POTENTIALLY FICTIONAL NBA TEAM RULES

by T, The Angry T

Hopefully by now you were alerted to the biggest piece of NBA news to come along in a while. No, it isn’t a Kobe trade. It isn’t a Marion trade or a Kirilenko trade. It isn’t an admission by David Stern that some of his players bet on games (I have my eye on you Ronnie Price). However, it is something equally important. Scott Skiles has cracked and will allow Ben Wallace to wear a headband this year.

I am sure it took a fair amount of deliberation to come to this difficult decision. It had to be tough to give up this level of control over your team. I mean what’s next? Armbands, long socks, Rec-Specs, nipple clamps, ass-less chaps, sombreros? You have to draw the line somewhere Scott, and it may as well be at an article of clothing that keeps sweat out of your eyes and may improve your play.

Many other NBA teams have decided to follow Scott’s lead of letting go of a little control. Below are 10 of my favorite rules that other NBA coaches have decided to enact or abolish in an attempt to give the players a little breathing room this season.

10. Bonzi Wells is now allowed to eat Funions, despite his penchant for getting out of shape very quickly. However, said Funion eating may only take place after a win, and he can’t be high while he is eating the Funions, unless he saves a little bit of the chronic of Jeff Van Gundy. (By the way, for all those who say Van Gundy is not on drugs, I have a simple question. “ Then why does he look like this?)

9. Lawrence Frank has decreed that no one may pick them to win anything in the Eastern Conference this year, including, but not limited to, the division, or the conference. He finally agrees that Vince Carter is a loser and will never win any sort of championship in his career. Also, Vince may continue to wear a headband, but only one that says, “Perrenial Failure,” in large lettering.

8. Pistons GM Joe Dumars will no longer allow Flip Sauders to do anything coaching related except wear a very expensive suit and mope around the sidelines with a stupid look on his face. Longtime trainer Mike Abdenour will take over all substitution duties as he has promised not to play Dale Davis at any point during this season, even by accident.

7. Greg Popovich, in an attempt to curtail an Andrei Kirilenko situation where a European player get too big for this britches, will force everyone on the team to look and dress like Tim Duncan. His nerdy, laid back, go with the flow style should control flamboyant, hot-tempered Euros like Fabricio Oberto, who are just looking for a reason to go HMS Bounty on this bitch.

6. David Stern has taken control in the Shawn Marion situation as he will force Shawn to play in Memphis, without another viable scoring option, in an attempt to scare him straight. Shawn will flounder, as he has no ability to get his own shot and he will be shamed into limping back to the Suns and asking for his old job back.

5. Isaiah Thomas has made a team rule that no one may sexually harass anyone in the Knicks organization, unless the harassed plays for the team. No one in the organization has heart to tell Isaiah that despite Jerome James’ soft features and girlish play, he is in fact a male.

4. Mike Woodson and Jim Paxson has agreed to never put any talent around Lebron James. They both agreed they would rather deal with the speculation of what might happen if BronBron gets talent around him rather than actually put talent around him and have to deal with the criticism that might ensue if they still lose.

3. All speculation on whether Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony can “co-exist” will no cease because George Karl has made a rule that his team play with two basketballs while on offense. Iverson and Carmelo will be allowed to shoot as much as possible as long as Linas Kleiza still gets 10 shots a game for comedy’s sake.

2. Eddie Jordan has put a rule in place that will only allow Gilbert Arenas to say he will score 200 points on someone that snubbed him once this season before he is put on probation until he actually follows through with his talk. Also, he may never say anything trash-talk related regarding Portland, because both of his attempts to score 50 points on the Blazers last season ended with Maurice Cheeks’ nuts on Gilbert’s chin.

1. If he chooses to return, Phil Jackson has already stated the Kobe Bryant is allowed to complain as much as he desires, because his team is at best a fringe playoff contender. Phil said he feels Kobe’s pain because he too is forced to watch Kwame Brown and Jordan “Growing up Gotti” Farmar everyday.

(Originally published 10/3)

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THE AFTER PARTY

A tremendously personal story with a big thank you at the end. Must read. (The Black Flag)

Noted “fantasy expert” Peter King giving this week’s fantasy football tips… Prepare for genius. (Blown Coverage)

It’s the true story of every fantasy league champion in America. (Serious Sports Network)

It’s pretty obvious that athletes are the dumbest people on the planet…well, right behind NASCAR fans. (The Money Shot)

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has been all over the airwaves hawking his new book, but appearing with Stephen A. Smith? Interesting. (Deuce of Davenport)

A very simple question: why are people gambling on tennis? Seriously, they can’t do better than tennis? (Rumors and Rants)

There are a lot of baseball players with double initials. Seriously. Like Barry Bonds, Bret Boone, … Check it out. (You Been Blinded)

There’s a new/old blog on the block. Welcome back, Joe Posnanski. (Joe Posnanski)

Hilary Duff … soaking wet … yeah. (Hollywood Tuna)

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THE MIDWAY: STRANGE WORKOUTS & SAVED BY THE BELL

With NBA training camps opening and the season nearly upon us, let’s take a quick look at the off-season to see who’s been working out the hardest (read: weirdest). (The Sports Hernia)

After the Rockies-Phillies game disrupted the regularly scheduled episode of Saved By The Bell on TBS, fan clubs marched on MLB headquarters in protest. (Bugs & Cranks)

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MIKE GUNDY PREFERS COORS LIGHT

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

You dig those Coors Light Press Conference Commercials? Me too.
You dig crappy amateur actors remixing them? Me too …

Comedy ensues after the jump.

I do not agree, however, on Mr. Gundy’s thrashing on the king of beers. I like my Bud thank you very much. It reminds me of a time when people were honest, girls didn’t know what “statutory rape” meant, and my collection of mesh “trucker hats” was cool.

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MATCH.COM MONDAYS: JASON KRAUSE

by Rupert, Ghosts of WayneFontes

As we make our way through this world, we’re all trying to do one thing… procreate. But sometimes, it’s hard to find a partner who shares the same interests as you do. I’m all about love baby, so I’ll be promoting the Match.com profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!

This Week’s Featured Profile: Jason Krause
Display Name: To_The_House_Krause
Status: Online now!

* age: 10-year old boy
* seeking: Friends, I have zero

Relationships: None
Have kids: Nope, I am one silly
Ethnicity: White Jewish kid
Body type: small
Height: 4′5″ or so
Religion: Jewish
Smoke: No
Drink: No

My Job:
I provide analysis for ESPN NFL Sunday Countdown. I like to pretend I know about football, but really I am just a stupid kid who tries way too hard to be cute. I also talk about events that happened before I was even born and provide no valuable addition to the show whatsoever. The people at Disney thought it would be funny to have a little kid on TV and since my dad is an executive at Disney (I made that up), I didn’t even have to tryout for the role.

Favorite Hot Spots:
My super cool bedroom with corny toys all lined up on my bed by some lame lady who tries really hard to make it look like a legit bedroom. I don’t really understand why there is nothing remotely related to sports in my room even though if I am supposed to know so much about football though.

For Fun:
I love saying my stupid sign off, “This is Jason Krause, Takin’ it to the House!” I do this thing with my hand which is meaningless and makes no sense, but I hope it helps people remember me. The guys at Disney say I am gonna be a star and that it’s just a matter of time, so I need to have a calling card. I also like singing and acting. I’m basically one big whore for attention.

Favorite Things:
Stupid gimmicky segments on television. I’m supposed to like football, but really I like reading Mademoiselle and looking at the clothes. I guess I like to play football, but definitely not tackle.

Last Read:
Unlimited Power by Tony Robbins. I want to awaken my inner giant to maximize my potential.

About Me and Who I’m Looking For:
I cannot seem to maintain a friendship. I guess they are just jealous of my success, but it sure would be nice to have someone to hang out with. If you are interested and don’t mind that I am a huge star, please IM me. Even if you would just let me be your friend on MySpace, that would be cool. At least that way, I wouldn’t seem like such a loser.

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