BOSTON AUTHORITIES HAVE EASED UP A BIT

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Back in 2004 when the Red Sox were making their dramatic comeback and fans were rioting in the streets of Boston weren’t very understanding. Boston fully busted out the Riot Police shot pepper spray projectiles into the crowd and even killed a girl. Even in the streets of little ole Worcester Mass I witnessed riot police shooting out rubber bullets after the Sox won the World Series.

Not surprisingly three years later drunk fans continue to riot the streets of Boston after a big win, because well they’re douchebags. However, the Boston authorities apparently have differed their tactics on disciplining their youth. Now when college kids are arrested for being general asses instead of getting shot at with ‘less-lethal’ weaponry, they are arrested and given strict punishment. Forcing them to tell their mommies and write a 5 page essay about what they’ve learned from being arrested after the ALCS game 7 victory.

Wow that is harsh Mr. Boston judge and very productive. Not even forcing them to do some community service. Just a five page essay, that should take about two hours of pulling straight BS out of their ass and maybe just maybe they will get their exorbitant allowance taken away. I’m sure they will definitely think twice next week when the Sox win the World Series and they are drunk on the streets of Boston and thinking about flipping over a car or lighting something on fire.

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TOP 10 WORLD SERIES STORIES THAT WILL START AT INSUFFERABLE AND GET MUCH WORSE WITH REPETITION

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Did you know that the Red Sox won a World Series in 2004, and hence have loads more experience at winning the World Series? (This is a major advantage. Just ask the 2005 White Sox, the 2003 Marlins, or the 2002 Angels…)

9. Jon Papelbon. He’s wacky! He’s Irish! He’s dancing! Meanwhile, Colorado closer Manny Corpas just held up a liquor store while wearing women’s clothing. We’ll have the story in a few hours, after we’ve shown Pap dancing a few dozen more times.

8. The Rockies are filled with born-again types, while the Red Sox are clearly devotees of Satan. No, wait! Actually it turns out that the Red Sox also have some Jeezers on the roster. Phew, I was worried that we weren’t going to be able to mix religion into this!

7. Gosh, these teams are different! One team has a fan base that goes back over a century. The other has fans that have been watching their team for well over a decade — which is to say, they have no fans, really.

6. No one knows who the Rockies are! And despite days of being able to tell you, your sports media will just repeat that they are not well known. Don’t you love reporting without actual reporting?

5. The Rockies have won a lot of games! Does that make them hot, too hot, or ready to cool down? (Answer: The Red Sox are a 2-to-1 favorite to win. So we know what the betting public thinks…)

4. Ticket Mania! Over eight million requests on the Rockies Web site for tickets! And yes, they were all from New England! Thanks for asking!

3. Baseball in Denver in October! Will it be cold? Could there be snow? Is this an unmitigated horror that shows that the world is going to hell in a handbasket? All signs point to YES!

2. In the NL park, the teams will play by National League rules — which means David Ortiz has to play first if the Sox want his bat in the lineup. Is Ortiz better at first base defensively than many people think, does this prove that Bud Selig is a menace for not making the rules universal, and does this give the Rockies an unfair home field advantage? (We’d tell you, but we’ve got a whole other day of non-coverage hype to fill here. Have a heart.)

1. Which celebrities are rooting for each team, and can we somehow get them to talk about their fan loyalties?

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THE AFTER PARTY

Another week, another set of really bad fantasy football advice from Peter King. (Blown Coverage)

Paul Byrd is playing the pituitary gland, low testosterone card. (Sports On My Mind)

Don “The Predator” Frye was in a fight after being sucker-punched by the bodyguard of Leland Chapman (son of the Bounty Hunter). (Prophet Fighting)

Ever wonder why Philly sports fans are so surly? It’s because they’re the ugliest city in America. So says science. (The Blog of Hilarity)

The Red Sox making it into the World Series has conspiracy theorists out in full force … again. (USA Today: Sports Scope)

To show that not everything related to Red Sox homerism is vomit-inducing, be sure to watch our very own Kristine giving the news in her Sox gear. (The FanHouse)

How Scott Boras became the most hated man in baseball. (I’m Writing Sports)

Reggie Bush should really thank Keith Brooking for his touchdown run. (First and 10 Inches)

Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Very nice. (Popaholic)

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BOSTON WINS, WHO CARES?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

So Boston came back from a 3-1 deficit to move on to play the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, huh? Apparently this has had a profound effect on many in the blogosphere.

Red Sox Monster: Shame on us for doubting – even for a minute – that the Red Sox could come back from a 3-1 deficit against a phenomenal Cleveland Indians team that the world will no doubt be hearing again from in 2008.

Sawx Blog: The story of this ALCS was that the Red Sox actually had the opportunity to manufacture a heck of a lot more runs then they did (the record number of double plays attests to that), and game 7 was a great example of this early on.

Surviving Grady: There’s something very beautiful in the fact that Jacoby Ellsbury stepped in for Coco and made some magical sh*t transpire, but Coco still got to come in and say f@#k all to his knees and ankles, catapulting himself into the centerfield corner wall to snare the final out.

SoxNest: Now, as Sox players prepare to recover from a night when they all deserved their own Rachel Boston, they have a moment to breathe before what is almost sure to be a very chilly World Series. And guess who’s starting Game 1 Wednesday?

Six Pack Sports Report: There are a lot of people who hate the Red Sox because of what happened after 2004; the pink hats, the ridiculous crowds in visiting teams ballparks, people who really thought Manny Ortiz was someone on the team, and Fever Pitch. But the only group of people who hates that breed of fan more then outsiders who see them as the epitome of Red Sox fandom is people like me – people who love this team and have loved this team our whole lives.

Not everyone is having a Happy Monday though…

Simon on Sports: Pack up your belongings, Joel. Just in case you were unaware Kenny Lofton is fast. We expect you to be packed up and gone by the morning. Thank you.

The Ship of Fools: Don’t be fooled into thinking that Kenny Lofton being held up at third was an important play. It wasn’t. A) The Red Sox scored seven more runs after that play happened, and B) if Casey Blake doesn’t bounce into an easy double play, then it wouldn’t have mattered.

The Big Picture: F**k the Red Sox. Enough of their sh*t. Really. At this point, the Sox are just as bad as the Yankees. Their payroll is second in the Majors and is nearly $100 mil more than that of the Rockies. So — and stick with us here — wouldn’t a Colorado victory in the World Series be 100 million times more valuable than a Sox win?

The only question left to ask is … Are you ready for ROCKTOBER®?!

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I AM REALLY LEARNING TO HATE SPORTS

by Andrew, The Grand National Championships

I was telling another blogger yesterday, you know what I’m rooting for if the Sox win the ALCS?

A crippling players strike.

You think I’m joking? I am not. You think I wish the demise of a sport I have loved as a child? If it stops a World Series like this, absolutely.

I know. I am a monster. How dare I not want to see if the hottest team since the Road Warriors can continue their run for the roses? Easily. Very easily.

“I don’t want to offend anyone, but I think character-wise we’re stronger than anyone in baseball. Christians, and what they’ve endured, are some of the strongest people in baseball. I believe God sends signs, and we’re seeing those.” -Rockies chairman and CEO Charlie Monfort

Now, I’m not one to say that you are flawed if you’re down with the big guy in the sky. But the Rockies are that Evangelical “Focus on the Family,” if you’re not with us you are against us sort of Christian. I’m not saying they are sanctimonius hypocrites in Denver. I’m really not.

But point of fact? Jesus wouldn’t try and copyright a 25 year-old phrase. Jesus would let classic rock share it’s love with Rocktober. Rocktober gets the Led out. Rocktober gives us our mandatory Metallica.

Rocktober is not a trademarkable element fron the greatest run in a baseball teams history. Jesus loves the talented, sure. But this is just an attempt at cheap and easy money. Jesus does not love the profiteers.

And in turn, I cannot stand the Rockies.

But the Red Sox? They just might be worse. Sure, there is the Sox fan whom holds a grasp on sanity. They don’t deserve what I’m going to say next, sure.

But are they the consensus? No. Not even close. The average Red Sox fan whom is built internet tough is in love with the world right now. And the fact is.

This is why you are called a Masshole. I am looking at you, too lazy to work in any other format besides Top 10. You are the reason why people crack jokes about cars parking in Harvard Yard. You are the reason why Jimmy Fallon has a career.

He’s Sully! He’s just like us! We would attempt to bring down Saturday Night Live from the inside too! It’s Wicked Awesome!

You know why so many people ask Sox Fans for directions? BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

Hah-hah!

But the fact of the matter is, the Red Sox and the Yankees are one in the same. It used to be more of a blue-collar versus high falootin’, and like the man said, a working class hero is something to be. But then Manny was paid 200 million dollars in Duplos, and the gap closed.

Now? It’s New York and Boston. They are one in the same. If New York is Darth Vader, Boston is Anakin Skywalker. They are both evil. It’s just one was good once.

This is why I am rooting for a cancellation. A lockout will do. An alien invasion. Zombie apocalypse.

Nobody deserves this championship. Nobody.

NERDIER THAN A PAPELBON DANCE!!!

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TOP 10 SELF-FLAGELLATION CHOICES FOR RED SOX HATERS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Bone whip to the tendons while watching the JD Drew grand slam

9. Series of small cuts while reading “Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Red Sox Elimination Day” column

8. Binder clips on the nipples while reading Curt Schilling’s blog

7. Foot binding while watching the Jonathan Papelbon dance footage

6. Beating your own chest red and raw while watching “Fever Pitch”

5. Wearing a crown of thorns while watching Dane Cook promos

4. Taking a fistful of laxatives while reading Bill Simmons, for that maximum weight loss

3. Hunger striking until the Red Sox are eliminated (warning: could be fatal)

2. Caning after reciting the names of various Red Sox players (Crisp, Lugo, Drew, Gagne, Hinske) with the words “World Champion”

1. Judas Cradle while reading Red Sox sports blogs

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THE NICKELODEON: JOSH BECKETT’S GOT A POTTY MOUTH

So, Josh, what did you think of your ex-girlfriend, country singer, Danielle Peck singing the national anthem before last night’s ballgame?

Whoa! Okay, then! Moving on…

F-bomb after the jump.

(Credit The FanHouse with the find.)

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THE MIDWAY: HE-MAN, "DUDE" & JIMMY KIMMEL

Separated at Birth: The Bears’ Greg Olsen and He-Man. You have to admit, these two do look an awful lot alike. (Bear Goggles)

The Kenny Lofton-Josh Beckett almost-fight caught on video. The best part: when the umpire calls Josh Beckett “dude”. (Awful Announcing)

If Kimmel was fired from MNF, why doesn’t NESN have the balls to slap Dennis Leary on the wrist for his between-inning remarks on Mel Gibson? (It’s A Fly World)

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THE FREAK SHOW: GAME’S ON THE LINE, WHO YA GOT?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

freak definition
n.
1. A thing or occurrence that is markedly unusual or irregular: A freak of nature produced the midsummer snow.

So why is this called “The Freak Show” you may be asking yourself? The reason is that every week or so the authors of Epic Carnival will be asked to pick 5 people or things that were so awesome, strange, or cool, that those people or things were just plain freaks. (Plus this is a Carnival themed site, so deal with it.)

This week the question that was posed was, “In honor of the playoffs, give me the five current hitters you would want up with the game on the line.”

With the baseball playoffs nearing the World Series, we wondered who was the most clutch? Who would be the guy you’d want up with your season depending on it? The guys on this list are pretty good. Some might even say the guys on this list are “freaks.”

Rank) Player, Points (1st Place Votes)
1) David Ortiz 47 (5)
Screw the stats, he’s money. (Richie Rich)
2007: .341 Men On – 2 Outs, .358 RISP, .400 Bases Loaded.

2) Albert Pujols 27 (2)
2007: .455 Bases Loaded, .331 RISP, 0-2 Count .385.

3) Ichiro Suzuki 18 (1)
2007: .420 Men On – 2 Outs, .431 RISP – 2 Outs, .397 RISP.

4) Derek Jeter 17 (1)
Anyone who says otherwise is a damn fool. (Jack Cobra)
2007: .379 Men On – 2 Outs, .500 With Bases Loaded, .418 RISP – 2 Outs.

5) Manny Ramirez 11 (1)
2007: .316 RISP – 2 Outs, .333 Bases Loaded.

T-6) Alex Rodriguez 10
2007: .333 with RISP, .318 RISP – 2 Outs, .500 With Bases Loaded.

T-6) Magglio Ordonez 10 (1)
2007: .429 RISP, .676 Man On 3rd Less Than 2 Outs.

Joe Mauer 9 (1)
2007: .364 Man On 3rd Less Than 2 Outs, .324 RISP.

9) Chipper Jones 7
Ask the Mets. (Jack Cobra)
2007: .385 Bases Loaded, .556 Man On 3rd Less Than 2 Outs.

T-10) Miguel Cabrera 4
2007: .471 Bases Loaded, .378, RISP, Runners On .376.

T-10) Milton Bradley 4
The stats disagree. 2007: .288 RISP, .240 RISP – 2 Outs, .273 Men On – 2 Outs.

12) Curtis Granderson 3
2007: .313 Bases Loaded, .329 RISP – 2 Outs, .308 Men On – 2 Outs.

T-13) Jeff Kent 2
Again, the stats disagree. 2007: .258 RISP – 2 Outs, .259 Men On – 2 Outs.

T-13) Matt Holliday 2
2007: .333 Bases Loaded, .337 Men On – 2 Outs, .332 Runners On.

T-13) David Eckstein 2
And once again, stats would say no. 2007: .244 RISP, Runners On .301.

Others receiving votes: Jimmy Rollins 1, Marco Scutaro 1.

So how would you rank ‘em? Are we missing anyone? Aaron Rowand? Darin Erstad? (I’m kidding.) Let us know in the comments.

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THE MIDWAY: MANNY MINING FOR GOLD, THE JUICE & RUSSIA

Manny Ramirez may be apathetic, a showoff, and run off at the mouth, but he is also damn good at picking his nose. (Home Run Derby)

Mr. OJ Simpson is in deep doo-doo again for fibbing. And he always seemed like such an upstanding guy too. (PartMule)

Where have all the Russian NHL hockey players gone? If the number of Russians continues to decline and no transfer agreement is reached, will the NHL game suffer? (Pop Jocks)

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