PAGING DREW BLEDSOE

by The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report

There is a startling trend in the NFL right now and I don’t mean the fact that we have about four quality teams and a bunch of crap. If you’re like me and god lets all hope that you aren’t you probably try to watch as much NFL as possible on Sundays. Whether this means ignoring your significant other for eight hours on a Sunday when it’s 80 degrees out in October, or putting a small child in a locked broom closet so you’re sure they don’t drink Drain-O while you’re not paying attention I’m sure that you do everything in your power to ignore the outside world and enjoy grown men beating each other up. If I’ve just accurately described you then I’m sure you’re also well aware that there is an epidemic plaguing the NFL this season – it’s a drug resistant strain of crappy quarterbacks.

At any time on Sunday you could have used DirecTV and the NFL package to watch games where an offense was being run by Chad Pennington, Trent Edwards, Cleo Lemon, Kyle Boller, Trent Dilfer, Tarvaris Jackson, Damon Huard, Brian Griese, the Joey Harrington/Byron Leftwich project, Sage Rosenfels, Marc Bulger with broken ribs, and Kerry Collins. That list doesn’t even count the David Carr/Vinny Testeverde double-headed monster that was on the bye week, or Derek Anderson who has actually surprised the entire planet with his average to above average quarterback play. I’ve also left off that list quarterbacks who are average or questionable like Kurt Warner, Jason Campbell, Daunte Culpepper, Jon Kitna, the ghost of Matt Hasselbeck, or the artist formerly known as Drew Brees. You could probably also throw some names on that list who are either performing way above expectations (see: Favre, Brett), leading their team into the toilet (see: Palmer, Carson), or surprising everyone with how unterrible and unspectacular their play has been (see: Cutler, Jay). In all I just named 25 quarterbacks who either played significant minutes, or expect to play significant minutes for their teams.

In case you’re wondering there is 32 teams in the NFL – meaning that if my list is the comprehensive list of quarterbacks that you wouldn’t take to build a team around then you’re looking at an astonishing 7 teams with their quarterback situation taken care of. I’d say that Kerry Collins is a place holder until Vince Young comes back so you could take them off the list, and Sage Rosenfelds was standing in for Matt Schaub so they probably don’t count either. But even with those taken into account you’re talking about less then 10 teams in the NFL who have the most important position on the field locked up for the foreseeable future. In case you’re wondering those teams are New England, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Dallas, NY Giants, Philadelphia, and Tampa Bay. Included in those teams are some questionable choices as well like Eli Manning who has been playing much better as of late, Philip Rivers who is unspectacular but not a negative player on the field, Donovan McNabb who is a grab bag of awfulness and greatness, and Jeff Garcia who has been released by every team he’s ever played for.

In all you could probably say that if you’re not New England, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, or Dallas you’re quarterback situation is up in the air for the foreseeable future. Is there any surprise then that if you were going to name the four best teams in the NFL those four would show up on about 99% of the ballots? How is it possible then that nobody in the NFL has been able to find a quality quarterback through the draft? I’d assume that everyone in the league realizes that they need a quarterback and then a serviceable back up plan right? Then how is it that Vinny Testeverde winds up being a starter 21 years after winning the Heisman trophy?

College football has roughly 38941 football teams in a given season and I’d wager that each one of them has a quarterback. Let us assume for the sake of this argument that 50% of the teams in the NCAA graduate a quarterback and of that number 10% of them have actual arms and brains to the point where they could be a not negative impact player on the football field. You’re telling me that each season there isn’t at least – AT LEAST – two quarterbacks who could be above average NFL players eligible for the draft? Because if there has only been four quality NFL starting quarterbacks coming into the league since Peyton Manning was drafted that is a pretty terrible indictment of the scouting ability of each team in the league, and the playing ability of every human quarterback in colleges across the country.

In the NFL quality running backs, stand out wide receivers, really good tight ends, shut down corners and hard hitting safeties fall out of trees. But for whatever reason there doesn’t seem to be a single person in the entire NFL who can find quality quarterbacks – and I understand that comparing players to Manning or Brady is unfair because those two will go down in the books as two of the best ever – but you’ve got to admit that there is a high number of crappy players leading NFL offenses (offensi?) this season. So I throw it out to you the EC faithful – why can’t teams seem to find quality quarterbacks?

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THE NICKELODEON: THIS JAGS FAN HAS SKILLZ

Have you ever wondered what someone giving a hummer to the 50-foot-woman would look like? Oh shut up, yes you have.

Thanks to this clever Jaguars fan, we and everyone watching Monday Night Football now knows.

Enjoy air cunnilingus after the jump (maybe NSFW).

(Credit Mister Irrelevant for the find.)

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RANDOM OBSERVATIONS : COLTS @ JAGUARS, SECOND HALF EDITION

by Davey, Blown Coverage

The Jags looked like sh*t on a stick in that first half. To make things worse, it looks like Garrard will be replaced by Quinn Gray again. That’s pretty deflating if you ask me. Not only are the Jags down 17, but their comeback is riding on the arm of Quinn Gray.

Speaking of deflating, Espn just reminded me that Tom Brady put up 6 touchdowns on my Dolphins and that Ronnie Brown is out for the year. Right now I’m as limp as Bob Dole without his Viagra. It’s pretty sad really. Either way, the second half is about to get underway and I could certainly use the distraction…

• Well, this is exactly what the Jags need. MJD takes the opening kick-off and gets a great return into Indy territory. That was a nasty move he put on Vinatieri. That’s the type of move that will make a guy lose his manhood.

• Touchdown Jags. Jacksonville realizes that they’ll need to run the ball if they’re going to have a chance and that’s just what they did on this drive. MJD churns those powerful legs and works his way into the endzone. Tony Dungy is challenging that MJD fumbled but the call stands. Indy 17, Jacksonville 7 and we might have a game here.

• Colts starting left tackle Tony Ugoh is on the sidelines and the backup tackle Charlie Johnson is getting used by Paul Spicer like a cheap hooker. Spices pressures Manning twice in a row and if Ugoh doesn’t return soon, Manning might be having unwanted sex with Spicer before the night is over.

• Speaking of unwanted sex, the Colts answer right back. Hunter Smith pins the Jags deep into their territory with a good punt and Dwight Freeney takes advantage by sacking Quinn Gray for a safety. Quinn absolutely did not have a chance on that one and the result is that Indy now leads 19-7.

• In the meantime, Rusell Crowe has joined the booth and I see no reason why this should have happened. The only way that Crowe can earn some points in my book right now would be by making his way down to the field right now and stabbing Manning in his throwing shoulder with a rusty pocket knife.

• Paul Spicer has been all over Manning since Ugoh has left the game with his unknown injury and I’m sure that Kenny Chesney is not liking this. The fact that a rather large gentleman is constantly riding Manning to the ground must be making Chesney as jealous as a 16 year old girl. That said, Tony Ugoh is showing his worth tonight…

• The Jags defensive line comes up big and stops Indy in the redzone. Vinatieri tacks on another short field goal and it’s a 22-7 lead now for Indy. Jacksonville is still down only by 15 even though they have been thoroughly outplayed so far.

• Quinn Gray’s last 4 pass attempts. Interception, Incomplete pass, Complete pass for -2 yards and a Safety. Can’t say that I’m surprised folks..

• Oh, and there’s another interception. Gray tries to go deep but the pass is underthrown and Kelvin Hayden comes down with an easy pick. Quinn Gray is not endearing himself to the locals here.

• Reggie Wayne is having one hell of a game tonight. Even though he doesn’t have any touchdowns, he’s over 100 yards and he’s making one great catch after another. Marvin Harrison might get all the pub, but I’d take Wayne on my team any day. Reggie Wayne belongs in that elite receiver group.

• Brian Williams picks off Peyton Manning and Jags might still have some hope here. Manning’s pass got tipped at the line by Rob Meier and after the ball got bobbled some, it ended up in Williams’ hands. The Jags are still only down 15 and they need to get something going here.

• Nevermind that I guess. Gray leads a crappy drive and the Jags turn it over on downs. If I’m Jack Del Rio, I’d just stick Matt Jones in at quarterback right now because I don’t see how he could do any worse than Gray right now. Quinn Gray makes J.P. Losman look like Carson Palmer.

• And there’s the ballgame. Manning finds a wide open Dallas Clark and that should do it. Colts lead 29-7 with under 4 minutes to go and this one looks to be decided.

• Oh, speaking of Matt Jones. Jones is growing his beard and vowing not to shave until he scores a touchdown. Jones will probably end up looking like this guy because I really don’t see him scoring anytime soon. He’ll be seeing a razor blade as much as I’ll be seeing happiness.

• This is just sad right now. Gray is just randomly chucking up passes and hoping that they land somewhere near his receivers. And right as I type this, Gray gets sacked and that should do it. Colts take over and are a knee or two away from running this clock out.

• So that’s it. Colts go to 7-0 and the build up to their November 4th match-up with New England will be sickening. Well, I’m done here. The only thing left for today is violent masturbation and I’m not going to keep it waiting any longer.

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RANDOM OBSERVATIONS : COLTS @ JAGUARS, FIRST HALF EDITION

by Davey, Blown Coverage

Holy crap. Monday Night Football. Colts at Jags. My pants are wetter than a midget in a swimming pool. We all know the stories here. The Jags hate the Colts and probably play them harder than any other team does. I hate the Colts and therefore I’ll be rooting for Jacksonville tonight. See, simple math really.

It hurts to write this but I’m expecting Indy to win this one. They’re coming off of a bye, it’s prime time and they know that the Jags will be gunning for them. It might be close, but I sadly think that Indy will win here. For fantasy purposes I have Reggie Wayne, Marvin Harrison and Fred Taylor. Tirico, Jaws and Kornheiser are the commentators and we are ready to go..

• Espn starts things off by showing this little segment with Steve Carrel where Carell is asked to give advice to the Jags defense on how to stop the Indy offense. Carell offers up plenty of options which include bludgeoning Manning with a stick but the best one by far was the option of getting Peyton pregnant. Meanwhile Peter King nods his head and offers to seed that soil.

• Reggie Nelson almost picks off a Manning pass when Peyton tries to connect with Marvin Harrison off of the play-action. If I’m Nelson, I’d be concentrating on connecting my helmet a few times with Marvin’s sore knee right now.

• Espn shows a graphic that says that Hunter Smith has punted 13 times so far this season. I don’t know what’s more surprising, seeing Hunter Smith’s cool goatee or the fact that this Colts offense has actually been forced to punt 13 times this season.

• David Garrard leads one of his receivers and the poor guy gets destroyed by Kelvin Hayden. I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t know who that Jags receiver was…

• And there’s another Hunter Smith punt. We’re about midway through the first quarter and Smith has already had to do more than he usually does in an entire game.

• Jaws mentions that when the Jags ran for over 300 yards on Indy last season, that it was mainly because Bob Sanders wasn’t playing. Kornheiser jumps in and sarcastically refers to Sanders as Chuck Norris because he can single handedly stop the Jaguars running game. I fully expect Kornheiser to get a roundhouse kick to the sternum within the next 5 minutes because he used Norris’ name without permission.

• And the Colts strike first. Indy puts a nice drive together and Kenton Keith finishes it off with a strong touchdown run. So with all of Indy’s offensive weapons, the first touchdown goes to Kenton Keith, a guy who my fantasy opponent is starting today. Awesome. My life is one big party. Indy 7, Jax 0.

• David Garrard gets sacked and takes a helmet to the knee. It looks like it could be a knee injury but it could also be his ankle that got rolled up. Garrard is going to be taken out and the great Quinn Gray will make an appearance. This will surely make the Jags feel good about their chances tonight.

• Yup, and Quinn Gray shows why he is Quinn Gray. Gray tries to get cheeky on his first pass attempt and it’s picked off by Bob Sanders. For those of you who wonder why Quinn Gray has been a third stringer for most of his career…well, there’s your answer.

• After Peyton connects on a long pass to Reggie Wayne, he finishes off the drive with quarterback sneak touchdown and that was pretty gay if you ask me. Meanwhile, David Garrard is getting ready to get back in the game and I can’t blame him. A crippled Garrard is still a notch above Quinn Gray. Colts 14, Jags 0.

• Garrard is hobbling around and he is not looking good out there. The Jags offense gets stopped again and this one might get out of hand if they don’t get a stop here.

• The Colts drive into Jaguars territory but the drive comes to an end when Kenton Keith fails to catch a pass that was tossed in his direction. Peyton is furious at Keith for not catching that and that was probably the most “PG-13″ scolding that Keith has ever gotten in his life. Vinatieri adds a short field goal and the Colts lead 17-0.

• And there’s halftime. The Jags defense got off to a strong start but the lethargic offense is not helping their cause and the Colts are taking advantage of that. If the Jags don’t come out firing, this one will be over very soon…

* Image courtesy of Boxofficeprophets.com

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HEATHCLIFF WENT TO SOME NFL GAMES

by BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity

Who gives a crap about my thoughts on this week’s NFL games, especially when Heathcliff can do it for me.

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BEST USE OF PHOTOSHOP AWARD FOR OCTOBER 22

Congrats, Simon on Sports. This is becoming a small trend.

If you do or see some great sports photoshopping
in the future, send it to us and you might win …

… a warm, loving Attaboy!

Money can’t buy that!

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TONY GONZALEZ WILL BLOCK WHEN YOU CALL PLAYS HE LIKES

by Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond

Tony Gonzalez will have you know this – if you don’t call a play he likes, he’s not particularly interested in running it. In Mike Silver’s story at Yahoo! Sports, he outlined a potential controversy within the Kansas City Chiefs, and possibly unearthed a brand new one along the way.

Chiefs running back Priest Holmes recently came back from the dead to suit up, much to the chagrin of starter Larry Johnson, who isn’t exactly known for his positive, mature attitude.

This development could possibly rankle Johnson, and Silver quoted one unnamed Chiefs veteran as saying that the situation could get ugly if a running back controversy erupts.

Silver then talked to Tony Gonzalez, who said some odd things. For instance, he thought if the team had been able to score 24 points a game all season, “we’d be undefeated, and people would be talking about us along with the Patriots and the Colts.”

That seems to be going a little far, but okay, I get the point. However, when he was asked why else they weren’t undefeated, Gonzalez expressed his dissatisfaction at offensive coordinator Mike Solari’s play-calling. He then unleashed this gem: “But the bottom line is, if a play is called we’ve got to execute it, myself included. On one play today, I didn’t like the call and I didn’t block my guy, and we didn’t get the first down. That’s on me.”

Yes, Tony. That is on you. Way to give 100% effort.

I’m sure whoever got crushed by the defender Gonzalez failed to block will appreciate the fact he got thrown to the ground because Gonzalez was acting like a 4 year old.

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THROWING KNIVES: WEEKEND HANGOVER

by BD, Epic Carnival

Starting this week every Monday I’ll be bringing you the Weekend Hangover, in which I prescribe those ailing from this weekends failures a little pick-me-up. For those of you suffering within your cubicle I’d suggest a couple of Excedrin and a large dose of Gatorade. Always does the trick for me. Despite not being an Indians fan, I’m pissed the Red Sox came back and will be rooting for the Rockies. I hate the Sox almost as much as the Yanks for similar reasons. I found myself so unsure of what to do with my fantasy WR situation yesterday I asked our editor. You see I was deciding between Welker, Coles and Galloway for the spot alongside Ocho Cinco. Lucky for me, I ignored my editor, and a friend who both suggested Galloway and rolled with Coles and absolutely destroyed my opponent. Suffice to say, next time I’ll e-mail all of Epic instead of just Mr. Fresh. Anyhow, here’s Gisele doing her thing in Miami just 24 hours before Tom did his.

Weekend Hangovers
In which I attempt to help those suffering heal their wounds and reemerge to fight like sh*t champions again.

The Miami Dolphins are a tough bunch to call after watching them get dismantled on yet another Sunday. In this case it was Tom Brady and Co. embarrassing the hapless ‘Phins. Randy Moss made two ridiculous catches that further illuminated just how bad the Dolphins defense has fallen. Sure, the Pats O is the best in the league, but guess what… The BROWNS defense held the Pats to 34 points. Fifteen less than the once great ‘Phins D. What could possibly help mend the broken ego’s and dreams in Miami? The NFL thinks it’s a trip abroad, but me? I’m going with a full bottle of Robitussin as I’ve heard it can make you hallucinate and that’s about the only way the ‘Phins are going to think next week’s game in Europe is actually the 2010 Super Bowl.

What a rough loss for the Eagles yesterday as they, like the Packers, let Brian Griese lead a game winning drive in the final moments in their building no less. On top of that, they were held to nothing but field goals until the 4th Quarter against a defnse that allowed 200+ yards to one guy last week. So, was the demise of the Bears defense just a myth? Or, is the Eagles offense just that bad? I’d say a little of both, but a lot more of the latter. Thus, I’m prescribing a legion of white receivers to line up alongside Kevin Curtis.

Obviously I have to help out the St. Louis Rams as they managed to get manhandled by the Seahawks despite Shaun Alexander not playing completely sucking again and Matt continuing to look like Tim. It was in large part due to a Seattle defense who ran through the Rams o-line for 7 sacks and forced Marc Bulger into 3 picks. It’s safe to say Bulger picked the right year to holdout for more money, as he’s now about as overpaid as he can get. Honestly, I’m not sure anything can help this team right now, but theirs got to be something, right? How about 5 clones of Orlando Pace to take over the o-line? That’ll work. Unfortunately, they’re all finishing out the season on IR as well.

The Cleveland Indians choked away what is probably Kenny Lofton’s last chance at a ring last night as they lost to the Evil Empire 2.0. Getting blown out for the second strait night in Boston and officially blowing their 3-1 lead. Giving MLB what it wanted, a marquee team in the fall classic. Neither of Cleveland’s two aces showed up and their bats were quiet throughout the series. Their’s only one thing that might cheer this group up…. hookers, of course! Prepaid for by Mark Shapiro himself. Hell of choke guys!

All of the people who are saying the Pats are running up the score because of the whole Spy-Gate ordeal. That Belichick wants to punish the rest of the league for what happened. You’re a moron, Belichick wants to win games and win big because he’s a bit of a prick. It has nothing to do with what happened earlier this season. Sure, if you openly mention it (Yeah Wade, I’m buying what PK is selling there) then he might keep his foot on the pedal. But, he’s not trying to win by 17+ every week. He’s just trying to win and throwing the ball is what gives them the best chance to do that. After all the point of the game is to score and stop the other team from scoring. It doesn’t say anything about letting up if your opponent isn’t scoring. Thus, I’m recommending a swift kick in the junk and a “Nice tall glass of shut the up,” as well.

Quick ‘Scrips….

For Brian Billick it’s Viagra. I mean, who can get it up after watching that?

A fresh pair of underwear for Jeff Fisher as he definitely sh*t his pants after the surrender 29 in the 4th.

For the Steelers a nice helping of humble pie. The allegedly 3rd best team in the AFC outsmarted themselves last night by taking to the air early, and often, against one of the leagues worst run defenses.

For DeSean Jackson a bottle of Pepto as he suffer through another disappointing collapse in Berkeley.

For Paul Byrd… well he’s gotten enough prescriptions hasn’t he?

And finally, a nice big McRib for LenDale White who managed his first career 100-yard game yesterday as the Titans out-legged the Texans.

Scoreboard – October 21st – 2007

ALCS
Red Sox 11, Indians 2
Win Series 4-3

NFL
Buffalo 19, Baltimore 14
Detroit 23, Tampa Bay 16
Tennessee 38, Houston 36
New England 49, Miami 28
NY Giants 33, San Fran 15
New Orleans 22, Atlanta 16
Washington 21, Arizona 19
Cincinnati 38, NY Jets 31
Kansas City 12, Oakland 10
Dallas 24, Minnesota 14
Chicago 19, Philadelphia 16
Seattle 33, St. Louis 6
Denver 31, Pittsburgh 28

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THE MIDWAY: ROYALS ON ‘ROIDS?, MICHAEL BENNETT & THE NHL

Is Chris Mihlfeld, once the Royals trainer, a source of MLB HGH/’roids? Names to keep in mind: Paul Byrd, Mike Sweeney, Jason Grimsley. (Steroid Nation)

Michael Bennett hasn’t even been in Tampa Bay for half a week, yet the Bucs’ new running back is already a walking sound bite. (Pewter Plank)

The NHL played some games last week. No, really, they did. Seriously, they did! Here’s proof. (Pop Jocks)

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THE NFL WANTS TO BE YOUR 12-YEAR-OLD’S TEACHER

by Eric Horowitz, ShakedownSports

Good news parents!! The NFL wants your kids to learn about money.

The league has teamed up with Visa to create “Financial Football”, a pigskin themed video game that teaches kids about money management. In order to prove it’s more philanthropic than the NBA, the NFL is stepping up efforts to provide schools with free copies of the game. In the last month schools in Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Ohio have started using it to teach kids about things such as banking, finance, and accounting.

The game requires students to correctly answer questions about money management in order to move the ball down the field. Wrong answers can lead to sacks or penalties. (Interestingly enough, if you play as the Lions sometimes even correct answers result in sacks or penalties.)

Although “Financial Football” is intended for kids, it might be wise for the NFL to make a version for its players. Clearly, they need some help managing their money, and a video game might be the perfect way to provide that help. The game could use questions such as this one:

Which of the following is a smart thing to do with your money?
A. Buy a Lamborghini, crash it, and leave it on the side of the highway
B. Get $80,000 in cash and go to a strip club
C. Spend $20,000 on a feisty “undefeated” pit bull
D. Invest in some low-risk mutual funds

(Hint: The answer is D.)

So far the game has received glowing reviews, and if all goes well the NFL will be on its way to producing a fiscally responsible generation that knows the folly in giving $30 million to Adam Archuleta. Nevertheless, you have to wonder if it’s all part of an NFL plan to promote the league by secretly controlling the public school system. First they start teaching fantasy football to 7th graders. Now they’re giving out Financial Football. If Chris Henry starts coming to schools to teach kids about scales, weights, and how many ounces are in a pound, then we’ll know there’s definitely something going on.

(Originally published 10/18)

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