NO BE-LITTLE-ING THESE FEATS

by Dr. C, Chicago Bull

Dustin Pedroia’s huge game last night wasn’t just a win for the Red Sox; it was another victory for a team that a lot of women don’t like. They’ve even write songs about this team proclaiming their disdain for them. That’s right, it’s the little guys. From Doug Flutie to George Costanza, these men of smaller stature have gone out and achieved anyways (the bums will always lose, do you hear me Lebowski?!). Here’s a look at some of the moments of greatness these pint-sized people have accomplished:

SPORTS:
2006 World Series: David Eckstein: The supposed 5′7″ shortstop went 8 of 22 in last years fall classic with four RBI. The pesky hitter actually only went 1 for 11 in their first two games, but went on a tear for the last three. He is also married to actress Ashley Drane which has nothing to do with the series, but important for small guys also because she’s pretty cute.

1984 Miracle in Miami: Doug Flutie: Flutie won the Heisman in 84′ after throwing for 3,454 yards and 27 TDs, but will always be remembered for the Hail Mary that found the hands of Gerard Phelan in the end zone for a 47-45 win over the U.

1986 Dunk Contest: Spud Webb: Remember the days when the dunk contest actually meant something to the best dunkers in the NBA? Those were the days. Nowadays you have to have a check ready to entice players to participate. Heading into the contest, Webb apparently didn’t even tell ‘Nique he was going to be in it, and claimed to have no practiced for it before hand. During the competition, Webb even had Jordan clapping at the 360 he pulled.

April 15th, 1947: Jackie Robinson: Out of all these moments, I don’t think there’s any arguing that Jackie stepping out on the field is by far the greatest. The 5′11″ Shortstop/Second Baseman went oh for three that day, and the amount how things he had to endure must have been intolerable. But Jackie did it, and that’s why the #42 is off limits in the MLB, and his name enshrined in Cooperstown. Oh, and the guy was pretty damn good, too.

These are just a few of the events, and I’m sure you could think of plenty more that I’ve not listed, but ultimate question is this: Who is the greatest player regardless of sport from the 6 feet and under category? Maybe I’ll get the Carnies involved also…

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THE KOBE SAGA

by The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report

With apologies to Henry Abbott who is the godfather of basketball writers (not limiting Henry to bloggers because he is that good) I am going to take a stab at talking NBA. It seems like the “Will LA trade Kobe?” movement has started back up again with some sites reporting that Kobe cleaned out his locker in LA, and other sites saying he hasn’t been at practice and every site seeming to agree that Kobe and the Lakers might have to part ways just so I don’t lose my mind hearing about this story for the rest of his career. I don’t want to talk about how horrible the Lakers have handled this Kobe situation because it has been an abomination – and I don’t think we need to mention how utterly enjoyable it was to watch Kobe play with Team USA over the summer because that goes without saying. What I do want to talk about is the perception that there is no way the Lakers could ever trade Kobe.

The argument that everyone always falls back on is that you cannot get equal value for Kobe. That’s obvious because he’s the best player in the NBA and as such there can be no equal to him. The real issue is that his marketability is through the roof, he sells out the building (or at least comes close) and he makes the team at least viable. The NBA needs the Lakers to be important just as much as Mitch Kupchick and Jerry Buss need the Lakers to be important and in order for that to happen the Lakers would need to get a player of similar name value in return if they do decide to trade Kobe.

This is where the problem always comes up for the NBA analysts and talking heads because they point out that frankly there is only a handful of players in the NBA who can even approach the level of Kobe Bryant in terms of talent and marketability. Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony are close in that they’re both uber talented playmakers who you’d feel somewhat comfortable building a team around. However, they’re both out of the question because Wade plays with Shaq who we’re all pretty sure will have none of the Kobe show v2.0, and Melo plays in Colorado where once you rape one hotel worker you’re banned for life.

Kevin Garnett might have been a player that the Lakers could at least entertain the thought of getting but KG wouldn’t have gone to LA without Kobe there and with The Big Ticket playing in Boston right now that makes the entire point moot. What other super(duper)stars would you consider even viable options at this time? Dirk Nowitski doesn’t carry a team so LA wouldn’t do that, Vince Carter is on the downside of a pretty average career so I can’t see that being a viable option. In my mind there is only two deals that could ever possibly make sense (now I’m not talking salary cap wise because I know my readers aren’t ready to comprehend numbers so lets just take this all as face value).

Dwight Howard: Think about it – he’s on the cusp of blooming into one of the next great big men in the NBA. You don’t think Phil Jackson would love to have a baby Shaq type player on the floor to run the triangle offense through? Howard would give the Lakers a cornerstone player that they are lacking since Shaq Fu went to South Beach and even though they’d take a step back it would be a Paula Abdul move for the long run. I think Laker fans would be able to stomach a trade like this that brought in Howard and some spare parts because you’d at least see some potential for the future. In the Western Conference you’re going to need size to compete because Greg Oden won’t be injured forever, and you’ve still got the only legitimate centers in the league that play more then 40 games a season out West. On the flip side this trade would get Kobe out of the Western Conference so the Lakers wouldn’t have be reminded about how they traded away the best player in the NBA more then once a year at home.

Lebron James: Face it, there is only one player in the NBA who you could feasibly trade for Kobe Bryant and that’s Lebron James. The Lakers would replace 100% of Kobe’s face value, plus they’d get younger. If you don’t think Lebron would be an instant celebrity in LA then you obviously didn’t see him host SNL a couple weeks ago. This guy has the smile, the personality, and we’ve all seen those Sprite commercials – he loves the limelight. He would be the perfect fit in LA because the fans would eat him up, and he’s already used to playing on a shitty team so Luke Walton and Kwame Brown wouldn’t be much of a distraction for him. If you don’t think that Jack Nicholson would be renewing his season tickets in a heartbeat to watch Lebron play home games in the Staples Center you’re crazy. He’d be the biggest thing in LA since Britney Spear’s vagina (sorry that was to easy) and it’s such a no brainer that you know it would never happen.

The thing that drives me the most insane is that people will tell you that Orlando would never trade Howard, and the Cavs would never trade Lebron. Why the hell not? You can’t tell me that both of those teams wouldn’t immediately be serious contenders with Kobe Bryant on their roster. I mean Lebron brought the Cavs to the NBA Championship last season and Kobe is better then Lebron – the Cavs would have won at least one game with Kobe out there – it’s an instant upgrade and nobody can convince me otherwise.

I know that people will talk about the youth and the building process but the NBA doesn’t really work that way. Young players either develop and leave for major markets, or just never develop. Sometimes a young player will develop exactly like you had planned but then the other teams in the league get better and you’re superstar young talent is now just a small fish in the big pond. If you’re the Cleveland Cavs and you have a pretty solid idea that Lebron is going to leave you when his contract runs out wouldn’t you roll the dice on Kobe for two seasons knowing that it’s an automatic upgrade over Lebron who you’re probably going to lose anyways? Isn’t it much easier to attract free agents to a team that has a legitimate shot at the NBA Championship every year? And wouldn’t a Kobe led Cavs team have that shot to get through the East every season that he was there?

I think Kobe wants nothing more then to come East. He would love to go to Chicago because Jordan played there and he could have a solid young supporting cast. It’s not realistic to think that deal would actually happen without the Bulls giving up Luol Deng which would make the supporting cast seem a little less appealing. Plus is Luol Deng really getting you excited if you’re in LA? Are you going to pay thousands of dollars to sit next to the guy who played an extra in Northern Exposure and watch Luol Deng play? Of course not. But you would to watch Lebron James.

Some people will argue that Lebron doesn’t make the Lakers instant contenders but that’s really not an option at this point is it? The West is to strong, and getting stronger. They’re not winning an NBA title with Kobe and he is pissed off and making life miserable. If you’re going to send him packing, you need to move him out of the Western Conference and you want to get someone of equal value for him. This trade would make to much sense for both sides which is obviously why it would never work.

In my opinion the Lakers would be foolish to trade Kobe Bryant because he is the best player in the NBA. As a Celtics fan I fear he coming to the Eastern Conference because he can single handedly win a game for a team no matter who else is on the floor with him, and as someone who sometimes writes about sports during his down time I am sick of hearing about these ridiculous trade scenarios. However, if this thing was going to go down I think I have laid out the only two options really available to the Lakers. I’d love to hear from the NBA fans in the Nation on what they think the Lakers should do with Kobe.

(Originally published 10/17)

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INTRODUCING THE NEXT EPIC CARNIVAL STAFF ACE – JORDI SCRUBBINGS

by Jordi Scrubbings, The Serious Tip

Perhaps you remember the fall of 2003. After yet another stunning defeat in the playoffs, the Boston Red Sox, looking to finally reach the pinnacle of baseball’s summit, acquired all-star pitcher Curt Schilling. With Schilling, the Red Sox made a statement that 2004 was the year and nothing less than a championship was acceptable. Schilling was to be the final piece, the cog that would drive the team to glory.

Last week I received an e-mail from the founder of Epic Carnival asking if I wanted to join this epic stable of writers. Like Theo Epstein in November 2003, the powers that be of Epic Carnival laid out the goals of the site and told me more or less that I would make a great addition. As you can see, like Schilling, I agreed.

This is hardly a new role for me. In 2002, I wrote for the Florida State University newspaper, winning Writer of the Year in the same year my editor won Editor of the Year and the publication won its own prestigious national award. Following my stint at the FSView, I did a some solo work, including writing a highly regarded 90-page piece on an international subject. Then, in March 2007, after only five months of blogging, the Cavalier of YaySports! selected myself and three other writers, including fellow Epic Carnival contributor Jack Cobra, to represent YaySports! in the Cavalier’s Hollywood-bound absence.

When I am not busy filling the role of Chosen One, I write on my own sports/humor/music site The Serious Tip. You might have swung by and read my interviews with pornstars and Playboy models, my analysis on trades and draft picks, or my visits to arenas and stadiums throughout the state of Florida. If you are familiar, I’d like to say thanks for reading.

Here at Epic Carnival, my main mission is talking NBA. Of course, to be honest, I don’t come without my own biases. I’m a Knicks fan and have been since I was a wee lad. However, I am not in any way, shape, or form a fan of Isiah Thomas. As a matter of fact, I haven’t watched a Knicks’ game in over 900 days and I won’t watch until the mighty Zeke has fallen. I call it my personal boycott.

Fortunately, on any given night, there are 28 other teams and at least 336 other players to watch, admire, and discuss. So even though I’ve never been the best baller or shot-caller and I have a better chance translating Sanskrit in a dirty mirror than understanding John Hollinger, I invite you to check me out.

Oh, and about the “Chosen One” stuff, don’t get the wrong idea. As no one individual freak dominated the old “ten-in-ones”, I’m not here to be the sole superstar. However, like P.T. Barnum’s world famous Egress, there is always one headliner that puts the show over the top. The Curt Schilling of the Carnival – Jordi Scrubbings.

(Oh yeah, picture acquired from Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.)

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THE AFTER PARTY

The Plain Dealer is reporting that Josh Beckett’s ex-girlfriend and country music “star”, Danielle Peck (very hot), is singing the national anthem tonight. BURN!!! (The Money Shot)

Austin Powers, one of the world’s greatest spies, has lived a completely different life in retirement…as Lou Holtz. (Digital Headbutt)

The real matchup to watch: World Series of Cookies. When these cookies face off, you can throw all the record books out the window. (RandBall)

Has Larry Johnson put the diaper back on? LJ seems to think that his stellar seasons have exempted him from any need for improvement. (The Extrapolator)

Ten reasons to watch USF at Rutgers. Our favorite: Count the number of Sopranos references. (EDSBS)

An interview with the Detroit Pistons’ new backup SF Jarvis Hayes. His thoughts on joining the team, who he trains with during the offseason, and more. (Empty the Bench)

Little League coach benches player for swearing; player calls dad on cell phone; dad and uncle arrive and pummel the coach unconscious on the pitcher’s mound. (Deadspin)

The U.S. mens national team beat Switzerland is a less-than-thrilling international friendly. A nice excuse to mention everything Swiss. (The Beautiful Game)

The BCS sucks at picking teams for college football, but great for creating controversy. (We Suck at Sports)

Megan Fox, Stacy Keibler and Autumn Reeser in one photograph. Enough said. (Popaholic)

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THE MIDWAY: HUSKER DRESS-UP, DANCIN’ ATHLETES & KOBE FOR DIRK

The picture in this post says it all as to what has happened in 2007 to the Nebraska Cornhuskers team. “Bump, set, spike.” (Mac G’s World)

A little comparison of white vs. black athlete dancing. Is it fair? Hell no. Is it funny? Yabetcha. (Sports Biotch)

How about Kobe for Dirk in a trade? It’s the best situation for the Lakers, and even better for the Mavs. (I’m Writing Sports)

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THROWING KNIVES: YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS

by BD, Epic Carnival

I realize the ALCS isn’t over yet and anything can happen and all that, but if your not a fan of the Sox you’ve got to be loving the Indians right now. Even as a Tigers fan I find myself rooting for the Indians to topple the “giants” from Boston after dispatching the Yankees in the ALDS. Tonight South Florida faces one of their few remaining tests as they head to New Jersey to take on Rutgers. I think USF will win this game, but it’ll be far from a shock if Ray Rice goes off and the Scarlett Knights knock off the Bulls. Am I the only person dying for basketball to start already? As much as I love football, it’s a once a week thing, once basketball starts it’s everyday. And yes I know Hockey started, but I could care less. Anyhow, today marks the beginning of the TK NBA preview is today as I take a look at the Atlantic and Northwest divisions. Autumn Reeser is smokin’ hot. Hopefully she pops up on some new show this year.

Enjoying Every Second
I don’t know about you, but I prefer small market teams to large market teams by a wide margin. This is probably due to having all of those teams shoved down my throat throughout the season whether they’re playing great or horribly. It’s always all about how these teams can fix themselves and make the playoffs, but why does it matter? Ratings obviously, just look at Notre Dame. Arguably the 2nd worst team in the country after UCLA (not really), yet they’re the most covered team in College Football. It makes me want to stab a 5th grader.

Anyhow, I consider myself more or less anti-big markets just because they annoy me. Well, that and I hate everything about them (Yankees). If I had my way every World Series would feature the Marlins and Devil Rays just to piss off the large markets. Which is why I absolutely love that 3-1 hole the Red Sox are in. I’ve acknowledged it’s not over, and anything can happen and all that. But, even if CC Cabathia shits all over the mound again the Sox still have Fausto to deal with. And it’s Carmona who shut down the Yankees in round one and showed us he’s ready for prime time. What stage is bigger than Fenway in Game 6? None. If CC can’t make it happen, I have no doubt Fausto can shut the door.

If Your Not Watching
If your not watching the potential World Series of Rockies-Indians your just not a fan. I get it, your team lost and you didn’t even know the Rockies existed. But, if your a real fan of the game you’ve got to be watching this stuff. Otherwise, your just a Yankee fan and no one likes a Yankee fan.

Chris Chambers To Chargers
A second round pick is a lot to give up for dropalufficous, but the Chargers definitely need another weapon. Chambers will be that and since he’s familiar with the offense he should contribute right away. I’d say this trade is more indicative of the Chargers mindset then anything else. I’d say it’s pretty clear the Bolts feel like they need to fully right this ship right away and compete with the Pats and Colts or those currently calling the shots (Norv and AJ) won’t be around to long. I actually like the Dolphins side of the deal better, sure they’ll have to hold open tryouts for receivers this week (Ted Ginn’s to busy failing to be Devin Hester), but adding a second 2nd round pick is a very nice move. It;s nice to see a team accepting that they’re going no where this season and preparing for the future.

The NBA Preview Part 1
I’ll be doing two division at a time until I’ve finished them up and then I’ll seed the playoffs. Along with projecting who takes home the trophy I’ll make picks for Rookie, MVP, Coach, and some others awards. First up is the Atlantic and Northwest Divisions.

Atlantic Division Projected Order of Finish
Boston Celtics
Toronto
New Jersey
New York
Philadelphia
Projected Playoff Teams: 3

What was the worst division in basketball last season will be better with the vast improvement in beantown, a second year runnin’ and gunnin’ in Toronto and well, New Jersey should be New Jersey. New York should also improve a little bit, but it’s hard to imagine even with Randolph and Curry up front that the Knicks will be able to maintain consistency from day-to-day. Though they could overtake New Jersey and sneak into the playoffs. The Celtics will be good, but it’ll take a little while for the big three to get into a rhythm and the big question is how big the lack of a quality point guard will hurt this squad. I’d pencil them in for at least third in the East. Toronto maintains all of it’s gunners and adds Jason Kapono and Carlos Delfino. Both of which fit well with the style and can shoot the lights out from the three. The big concern is the same as it is with any team who fires from deep all day, can you continue to win consistently playing outside in? As long as Chris Bosh can draw double teams and TJ Ford can find the open guys I have no doubt. New Jersey looks about the same, but they’ve got Nenad back and that’ll certainly help. As all they need is an inside force and the big three of VC, Kidd and Jefferson will do the rest. The Knicks are the wild card, as they certainly look good on paper with their new front court, but Randolph tends to get his head stuck in his ass, can Isiah keep it out? As for Philly, their a lock to finish dead last here, maybe Iguodala can get into the dunk contest and not get jobbed this year.

Northwest Division Projected Order of Finish
Utah
Denver
Portland
Seattle
Minnesota
Projected Playoff Teams: 2

Utah and Denver are absolute locks for the playoffs. While Seattle, Portland and Minnesota are about as unpredictable as you’d expect with all of the young players they’ll be relying on to carry them. Utah will be tough every night as long as Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer are healthy. If they lose either guy for an extender period of time they could miss out on the playoffs all together. Williams has turned into one of the best PG’s in the league leaving everyone to back off the criticism of drafting him ahead of Chris Paul. Suddenly, Williams and Boozer look like the Stockton and Malone of the future and all of the talent around them certainly doesn’t hurt. Denver gets a full season with Carmelo and AI side by side as well as a return from Kenyon Martin. While I still think their nothing more than New Jersey west, they can disprove that if K-Mart stays healthy and productive for a full year. Portland and Seattle could flip flop either way. It;s really a question of which you like better at this point, Brandon Roy or Wally Szczerbiak? Yup, Roy. I’m not expecting Durant or any of the other rookie to be terribly great right out of the chute. Minnesota should be the worst team here based on the overwhelming youth of the roster, but Al Jefferson is going to be fantastic soon and if he can get a perimeter player to play with (Green, Brewer, McCants?) this team could surprise.

No Scoreboard today as nothing happened last night and their no way your getting me to link NHL box scores.

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THE MIDWAY: AGENT ZERO, GLOBAL WARMING & PAPS’ NUT GRAB

The greatest Hollywood pitch of all time? The Gilbert Arenas Halo Scandal. (The Grand National Championships)

Global Warming, you have a call on line one from Mr. Selig. Anyone else realize, if the World Series goes the distance, game seven will be … November 1st?!?! (The Meaningful Collateral)

Why did you have to go out and cup Manny’s jewels? I mean maybe it was good luck because he hit that home run in Game 4, but Papelbon. (It’s A Fly World)

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THE AFTER PARTY

An interview with Barry Bonds’ ex-mistress ex-girlfriend and current Playboy naked girl, Kimberly Bell. (This Suit is Not Black)

Big Ten teams as Harry Potter characters. We’d totally like to bend Michigan over the bathroom sink. (The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes)

Sports movies are becoming too predictable. They’re all the same, and it needs to change. (Sons of Sam Malone)

Just when Bears fans were recovered from having to face Barry Sanders twice a year, along comes Adrian Peterson. (Chicago Bull)

Nebraska’s AD is gone, Dr. Tom Osborne might replace him and Mac G’s Fire Steve Pederson blog set a record. (Mac G’s World)

Scott Boras represents juicers Rick Ankiel, Ivan Rodriguez, and Scott Schoeneweis. GMs are now looking twice at the bloated bodies and the bloated salaries of Boras’ stud stable. (Steroid Nation)

David Stern’s latest, greatest creation. A white African-Canadian point guard. Steve Nash. The NBA’s Tiger Woods. (Hugging Harold Reynolds)

This weekend there was a soccer goal that was so awesome it could only be equated to some wildly-awesome hypotheticals in the world’s other great sports. (The Beautiful Game)

Podcasts are cool. This one covers the day games from NFL Week 6, plus the BCS standings, the MLB playoffs, and Kelvin Sampson. (The Meaningful Collateral)

Those in Cleveland and St. Louis better not get their hopes up for HD coverage in week eight. (First and 10 Inches)

Century 21 gave away houses at the Home Run Derby to people who, presumably, did not need a house. State Farm could do them one better by giving houses to people who actually need them. (Crashburn Alley)

The Ben-gals cheerleader calendar has dropped. Happy 2008 to me! (Bengals.com)

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THAT BASKETBALL GAME IS JOLLY, RIGHT OLE’ CHAP?

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

Can someone please explain to me why the NBA is trying to branch out to other countries? I honestly don’t think they care. It’d be like someone trying to force me to eat a hand grenade, but I keep telling them my stomach doesn’t set well with gun-powder and Ammonium Nitrate Fuel Oil. But David Stern is a stubborn, old man and won’t take no for an answer I suppose:

With the two teams in town for Wednesday night’s exhibition game, NBA commissioner David Stern hinted that the British capital was a serious candidate not only to host a future regular-season game but perhaps to one day have its own franchise.

“The UK is joining the basketball world and that’s very exciting,” Stern said, adding that Britain’s basketball “stars are aligning” given the recent successes of the national team in gaining promotion to Europe’s Division A and the forthcoming Olympic Games in 2012.

The stars people, the stars. This topic really interested me so I went ahead and Google’d up the first website I found on “London Basketball Stars” and got this:

We are seeking: Female Basketball players London Womens team. London Storm Women’s basketball club (been running for near;y 4 years now) seeks women players to join their fun and social basketball team.

If you like to have a laugh… And play basketball, then we are definitely the club to join!

Where do I sign up to be a fan?

The point is, can we please keep our sports in this country? Other sports have tried branching out to us, and we can see how well that turned out. Take for instance, the NFL’s attempt to branch out to Hispanic countries with our version of football. Homie, do you really think countries like Mexico, Spain, and Ecuador (just to name a few) really give a rats ass for our game? I’m all about showing love for every sport out there, but I’m a realistic guy. There’s only so much optimism I can put into a project before it fails miserably. Like my attempt to hook up with my high school’s Prom Queen. How was I supposed to know she had a foot fetish? Just because I don’t dig that, means I’ve got to change?

That’s a bad example, but it’s almost the same. If you don’t agree, you’re a terrorist. Are you following me? No? Good.

Call it an overgeneralization, but I don’t think the tea-sippers care about our brand of basketball. They’re more into soccer and eating crumpets and driving small cars around and bad hygiene. Those are the things I’ve grown up to believe about London, don’t make me change . Much like they think we eat McDonald’s all day and scarf down Cheeseburgers. There’s a reason we have stereotypes!

So we can live in fear and in a box.

(Originally published 10/10)

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THE MIDWAY: MORE BAD UNIS & WORSE THAN SCALBRINE?

The Jets are going to wear their throwback unis on Sunday. And yeah, they’re as ugly as you would expect. (Pop Jocks)

John Hollinger ranked Brian Scalabrine the 3rd worst player in the NBA, but there is no possible way that anybody in the league is worse than him. (Simon on Sports)

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