THE AFTER PARTY

Another week, another set of really bad fantasy football advice from Peter King. (Blown Coverage)

Paul Byrd is playing the pituitary gland, low testosterone card. (Sports On My Mind)

Don “The Predator” Frye was in a fight after being sucker-punched by the bodyguard of Leland Chapman (son of the Bounty Hunter). (Prophet Fighting)

Ever wonder why Philly sports fans are so surly? It’s because they’re the ugliest city in America. So says science. (The Blog of Hilarity)

The Red Sox making it into the World Series has conspiracy theorists out in full force … again. (USA Today: Sports Scope)

To show that not everything related to Red Sox homerism is vomit-inducing, be sure to watch our very own Kristine giving the news in her Sox gear. (The FanHouse)

How Scott Boras became the most hated man in baseball. (I’m Writing Sports)

Reggie Bush should really thank Keith Brooking for his touchdown run. (First and 10 Inches)

Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Very nice. (Popaholic)

Let The Good Times Roll: The PUMA Store

THE AFTER PARTY

The only thing that’s got one Chargers fan a bit squeamish about Chris Chambers is that Mr. David Boston also owned #89 for the blue and gold. (Part Mule)

Vick’s 4.5 mil house on market and he is getting sued for defaulting on a bank loan for a wine store. Good times. (Mac G’s World)

Is Kentucky’s Rich Brooks sabotaging Andre Woodson’s Heisman candidacy through inaction? (The Meaningful Collateral)

An inside tip for those who wager. Chris Mortensen is taking the Chargers over the Jets AND the Bengals this weekend. (Chicago Bull)

Women have not earned their place in the broadcast booth, and announcers like Suzyn Waldman are the reason why. (The Naughty American)

Most of America is unaware that tomorrow is the Rugby World Cup Finals in France between England and South Africa. Apparently, though, it’s kind of a big deal. (This Suit Is Not Black)

This really needs to be said. If you play fantasy football, you are a nerd. No one cares that you play fantasy football. (The Grand National Championships)

Joe Torre is a hero for rejecting the Yankees contract offer. Here’s a list of the only five other people in history who have done something that noble or shocking. (Rumors and Rants)

Joe Torre could have won even more if Cashman and Steinbrenner didn’t saddle him with their real-life rotisserie team. (The Hall of Very Good)

In a country full of religious hypocrites, Paul Byrd stands out emphatically both from an intellectual and practical standpoint. (Crashburn Alley)

More fun with Steelers kicker Jeff Reed at a bar. With pictures of course. (Mondesi’s House)

An interview with some blogger. (Pyle of List)

Lindsay Lohan still gives good side-boob. (Hollywood Tuna)

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SORRY, IT’S YOUR FAULT YOUR TEAM SUCKS

by Andrew, The Grand National Championships

Maybe the largest side effect of the fantasy football revolution is that people just love talking about their teams. They want you to know how good they are. And if they aren’t good?

They want you to know that it’s not their fault.

They are 1-4 because of the vicissitudes of the NFL. Drew Brees is useless! Steven Jackson is hurt! Javon Walker is hurt AND useless! It’s not my fault!

Okay, first off. Somewhere along the way, you probably did something to screw that up. Unless it’s the perfect storm of awful that I proposed right there, you probably went off the board, or waited until round 9 to draft your second runner. Something like that.

Secondly. Fantasy Football is Gambling. It’s a game of chance.

Sure, it’s like poker in that skill in the game theory can mitigate the luck factor, a.k.a. the fish that drafted his second running back after his kicker isn’t likely going to win squat. However, that same fish can stumble blindly into Maurice Jones-Drew circa 2006 in the 16th Round and find himself ending the year in the Super Bowl.

Quite frankly, variance is a bitch goddess in Fantasy Football. You have 75 to 90 percent less time to succeed than you do in the other major fantasy sports. Add to that the inherient violence of the pro game and a high-flying team with a triplets of Tony Romo, Joesph Addai, and Randy Moss can turn into a low bridge of David Garrard, Brian Leonard, and Bobby Wade right quick.

Which brings us to the string of bloggers talking about their team. Why do they do it? Insecurity. Bloggers write to be noticed. They write to be loved. Each and every blogger is a beautiful snowflake.

And subconciously, they want people to tell them that sucks that this bad thing happened to a guy who’s tangentially related to you for the Autumn months. They had pocket aces and they lost to the guy holding 9-8 suited. Problem is, they probably did something stupid like make David Carr their third quarterback while the Bears homer did the bad thing and dropped 2006 Drew Brees for Rex Grossman. Or they said to themseleves that Jason Campbell was going to have a big day when a legitimate quarterback was on their roster.

The fact is everything happens for a reason. And we’re all human, we all do stupid things. (The guy who sells low on Frank Gore, for example.) The fantasy football gods are not picking on you for some perceived sin. You don’t need to share with the world that Nick Folk cost you 4-1.

Embrace the randomness. It really does all even out.

Andrew

P.S. I had to listen to an abortion of a metal band cover “Holy Diver.” That’s a worse beat than any of you have had to take on your fantasy football teams.

Let The Good Times Roll: The PUMA Store

FURIOUS PLAYS FOR FANTASY FOOTBALL OWNERS

by Mac G, Mac G’s World

It has become taboo in the sports blogosphere to discuss fantasy football and I keep encountering self induced moratorium of all fantasy talk. While I agree most people do not care about the week 5 results of my “Raw Dawgin for Life” league nor do they want descriptive details of how the “Canine Commandos” rode the arm of Tom Brady to a triumph over “Friends of Jim Nantz” but there is no reason we can not have some discourse about the weekly results of individual players.

There is no denying that the majority of sports bloggers/readers play fantasy football. I am Commissioner of the aforementioned “Raw Dawgin” league and have 4 additional teams. With so many players to follow, I end up having a fantasy stake and competing interest in a majority of the games.

Aside from the obvious season ending injuries (See Deuce, Cadillac) or crappy player performance (See Brees, LJ, Gore), several individual plays occur in games that make you drop F bombs at your TV and potentially cost your fantasy team points/victories.

I had variety of unique distasteful things happen to my players’ last week. This led me to compile a list of individual plays and situations that bring fantasy fury to owners’ lives.

I KNOW this world needs more lists!

Game Time Decision- Who does not hate this one? Anyone who has needed to start Joseph Addai or Brian Westbrook the past few weeks feels this pain. The worst is when you knew they were questionable but they are far better than the bums on your bench so you risk the chance they still might play in the later Sunday games.

Then all of sudden, Kenton Keith is in the backfield or Brian Westbrook is in street clothes against the Giants, and the big fat zero potentially costs you a game in the standings. Do I sound bitter? Absolutely. Plus, I have better things to do on a Sunday morning then hit refresh on the injury report page to find out if Santana Moss’s groin is OK, like figuring out if Lawrence Maroney is going to suit up!

Player getting hurt in warm ups-This was a first for me until last week as Pitt WR Santonio Holmes pulled his hammy in pre game warm ups and did not play. He was actually left off the active roster for the game anthere was no way of knowing this until after the game had started. To make matters worse, Holmes was a must start after coming off his best day as a pro last week with 150 yards and 2 scores too. Another fat goose egg!

Instant replay over turns a TD- It is like premature ejaculation as you get all pumped for a score by one of your players, only to see that little Fn red flag on the field and you end up yelling at the screen that the TD should count, no matter if it should or not. When the TD is overturned, you end up ranting some more about “how you got screwed” or this “instant replay is BS”, even though you approve of using technology to get the call right. BTW, Willie Parker was in last week too!

Running back gets stopped short of the goal line- The most excruciating time in fantasy football is watching your RB tote his goal line carries. So many variables are at play, as the coach can go play action or bring in a short yardage specialist to screw your back out of a score. I hate when your RB is gashing his opponent on a drive then he runs the ball all the way down and is tackled short of the end zone. However, your back comes out because he is gassed and the backup RB comes in and on the next play, scores. Yes, this happened to me twice last week as Najeh “Poop” Davenport heisted 2 TDS from Parker.

QB sneaks for a TD- Once again your back gets hosed and this took place last week when Kurt Warner dove in for 6 against the Rams. Edges owners (ME) are still cursing.

RB going in for a TD but fumbles into end zone- Owners are hurt no matter who wins the scrum for the ball but it is additionally painful when their own team recovers and some fat ogar lineman gets credit for the score. Once again, this happened to Edge owners last week (still cursing!) and they were robbed of points.

QB throws a TD to a lineman- I am sure all owners of Pats TE and WRs would never like to see Mike Vrabel score another TD in their lifetimes. All he does is rob fantasy owners and supplies another reason to hate Bellicheat.

QB gets benched during the game- This happened last weekend in the Falcons game as Leftwich came into replace Harrington. If your QB gets benched, it is pretty much a guaranteed defeat. I guess if you are resting your hopes on the arm of Joseph Harrington, you have much bigger problems in fantasy and probably deserve what came to you last week. A punch in the gut as you watched Leftwich air mail red zone passes into the stands.

Defensive gets a turnover but is tackled before reaching the end zone or special teams’ player almost breaks a return TD. Nothing changes the outcome of a fantasy match up like defensive/special team scores. Ask any team that has played the Bears or Steelers D this season or went up against the Bills last week.

This is another one of the most exciting plays for a fantasy owner. My blood pressure immediately rises and 4 letter words start to fly when a player on my D or special teams almost scores. Plus, nothing says disappointment more than watching your team’s returner get tackled by a punter of kicker.

Going for 2 points- This fleeces the automatic point(s) from your kicker. If this is done early enough in a game and the team misses it, they keep going for 2 to catch up. This further aggravates the kicker’s owner and can determine the outcome of close fantasy games.

I apologize if any of these touched a nerve for fantasy owners and yes, there is always next week to blame one or more of these instances for your team losing again.

Let The Good Times Roll: The PUMA Store

HOW’S THAT HANDCUFF STRATEGY WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

by Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

Five weeks into the season, injuries are abound in the NFL. Backfields in particular are feeling the wrath across the league as one after another goes down after another. While this would seem to bode well for the old “handcuff” theory in fantasy sports, it is becoming evident yet again, that the theory pays off about as often as Halley comes. Well, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I hate this theory. Nevertheless, don’t take it from me; see for yourself…

Michael Pittman – Unless you handcuffed your handcuff – a.k.a. bedposted – you came out of this one in bad shape. You could have picked up Earnest Graham as recently as last week. If you’re playing in a league of morons, pick him up now. Pittman is out 2 months and Caddy is done. Graham is a serviceable starter from here on out.

Ladell Betts - Seemgly, Betts was a logical pickup going into the season. Nobody knew what to expect from Portis, but Betts has been worthless – 167 total yards, 6 catches, and 0 TDs to be exact. Betts is in the running for dud pick of the year.

Chester Taylor – Adrian Peterson is the real deal and the Vikes haven’t looked back. The only chance you have of Taylor paying dividends this season is if he finishes the season in New Orleans.

Brandon Jackson – Clearly, it doesn’t matter who is in the backfield in Green Bay; nobody is going to break out big games in this offense on a consistent basis. This should prove to be a classic argument against the handcuff theory. The surprise starter, DeShawn Wynn, is the only guy even remotely worth trading for Jerry Porter or the Lions defense and few fans had even heard of him coming into the season.

Tatum Bell – Ditto. Besides, Jones still seems to to be the guy if he can get healthy. Why, I don’t know? He never has stayed healthy and he isn’t very good anyway.

Deuce McAllister – You know the story here. Everybody doubted if Reggie Bush was ready to carry the load and expected another decent year out of Deuce. Nope. This year it took all of three weeks for this McCallister to go on the IR. Consequently, Reggie still isn’t ready to shoulder the load.

Michael Bush – Well, you were right in handcuffing Lamont, but Bush is out and nobody picked Fargas to come up with the big games. Don’t blow your load yet though, because this is just about to get confusing with Lamont on the mend and Dominic Rhodes is returning from his reckless driving suspension.

Mike Bell – While perennial injury threat Travis Henry seemed a gamble in Denver, Mike Bell is owned in a whopping 1.7% of Yahoo! leagues. I think it’s safe to say he’ll be available if and when Henry goes down.

I think I could keep going (feel free to add in the comments if you like), but you get the point. I’m hoping we can finally put this dumb “handcuffing” idea to bed once and for all this year. Sure it’s worked a few times since the rise of fantasy football popularity, but it’s rare. Just pay attention and you can find replacements when your horses get injured. In the meantime, do not waste a roster spot on a bench warmer. The odds of them paying off are not nearly worth having a guy you might actually need come the bye weeks.

Let The Good Times Roll: The PUMA Store

EVEN THE LOSERS GET LUCKY SOMETIMES: EC FANTASY LEAGUE

by Bstone, Brahsome

Godzilla. There’s nothing worse than having to write a column talking sh*t about fantasy football the week after you lost losing. Losing sucks. We’re winners. At least that’s what mom and dad said at breakfast this morning. (On a side note, the fact that Tom Petty pulled a ton of tail in his lifetime just goes to show you that when handed the choice of “rock star” and “semi-successful but mostly obnoxious blogger”, I probably picked the wrong route to run down. I mean, he’s gorgeous and all, so it’s no real surprise that he got tons of women. Probably almost as many as I get on a randy Friday night just for wearing my “Brahsome.com” T-shirt out to the bar.)

I guess I could write a column about serious, reasonable analysis regarding fantasy football. I’ve spent all day doing that already (Yeah, it’s a shameless plug, go f*ck yourself) so we’ll just move into my typical ranting and raving on the EC fantasy league. Of course, on the other hand, Nick Folk helped me win the league I actually give a sh*t about, so f*ck you Tanuki. *Grumble* Second highest score losing bullsh*t…stupid f*cking fantasy football..*Grumble*

Last week’s scores:

Tanuki 106
PissingExcellence 94

There’s nothing to say here. We managed our team to perfection. Such is life. Especially with Ocho-Cinco on the bench. Greg Jennings missed the second half. And the Chargers scored 41 without LT finding the end zone. Clearly that happens frequently. Well played Don, well played.

tits and ass 83
THE FANTASY WARLORD 83

Ties blow. Of course, both teams could have gone bigger. Buuuuuut, you can’t really fault TNA for starting MB3 over Ron Dayne. Or FW for going with Vince Young over Jeff Garcia. I’m not really in a sh*t talking mood anyway. Surely there was a better option than Donald Lee.

Pervert Clown 75
Vick’s Broken Dreams 34
F*ck. I have to keep recapping this? Every f*cking week, VBD tosses up a goddamn 35 on someone other than us. What. The. F*ck. Man. Set your lineup. Delhomme is out for the season, it’s embarrassing. DOD thanks you greatly.

Sheckler Monologues 88
Picked_Ninth 77

Wow! What…another….exciting……matchup. I hate my life. At least I didn’t draft Larry Johnson though! LJ sucked it up again this week as P9th fell under .500. There wasn’t anything they could have done, although it would be nice to see a little f*cking effort by getting Boldin on the motherf*cking bench. Like playing cards with my brother’s kids. (Author’s note: Don’t even think about coming back with some “What about Santonio Holmes, douchebag?” line either. He was a late scratch. We knew about Boldin all morning long c*cksucker.)

Sex Cannons 80
Drive Thru Abortions 56

Things are going poorly when you realize that you’re forced to bench Drew Brees and start John Joseph Harrington. Not good times. Did I tell you about when my buddy Jacko only scored 56 points on his fantasy team in week six? Yeah, I called him up and made fun of him. Because he’s a motherf*cking loser. Too harsh you say? DTA has three defenses on it’s roster this week. Because two of them were on bye. Dude, drop a motherf*cking defense already. What the f*ck. If you had told me at the beginning of the year that someone starting a combination of Brandon Jones, Chris Brown, Derek Anderson and Shaun McDonald was going to win, I probably would have violated you. Unless you were a dude. Then I would have just kicked your ass.

The Turnovers 35
3rd & Long Duk Dong 75

Adios. Amigo. The Turnovers continue their Sunday Shame Spiral, forced to sit Andre Johnson, Steven Jackson and Marvin Harrison to injury and the Minnesota DST to a bye week. Sorry, Hank. Nothing to see here really. Just the “best” team in the league getting a pretty nice matchup.

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THE AFTER PARTY

A tremendously personal story with a big thank you at the end. Must read. (The Black Flag)

Noted “fantasy expert” Peter King giving this week’s fantasy football tips… Prepare for genius. (Blown Coverage)

It’s the true story of every fantasy league champion in America. (Serious Sports Network)

It’s pretty obvious that athletes are the dumbest people on the planet…well, right behind NASCAR fans. (The Money Shot)

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has been all over the airwaves hawking his new book, but appearing with Stephen A. Smith? Interesting. (Deuce of Davenport)

A very simple question: why are people gambling on tennis? Seriously, they can’t do better than tennis? (Rumors and Rants)

There are a lot of baseball players with double initials. Seriously. Like Barry Bonds, Bret Boone, … Check it out. (You Been Blinded)

There’s a new/old blog on the block. Welcome back, Joe Posnanski. (Joe Posnanski)

Hilary Duff … soaking wet … yeah. (Hollywood Tuna)

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NFL THREATDOWN! TOP 10 THREATS TO THE NFL’S SPORTS WORLD DOMINANCE

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

With a tip of the hat towards our spiritual hero, Stephen Colbert. What could topple the NFL from its perch atop the throat of the American sporting consciousness? This list. THIS IS THE NFL THREATDOWN!

10. A league-wide HGH, steroid and blood doping scandal, but only if all drugs were obtained by extracting them from cute widdle puppies

9. Norv Turner clones himself, ruins all 32 NFL franchises at once

8. Criticism of black quarterbacks like Donovan McNabb grows so heated, blacks simply stop watching the games in protest

7. Jerry Jones buys every team, names them all The Cowboys; ensuing confusion makes gambling impossible, and league collapses from lack of interest

6. The US suffers an “Adpocalypse” where US media buyers suddenly discover, through DVR and focus group analysis, that no one is actually watching or being influenced by their $2.3 million 30-second Super Bowl spots, and that no one on God’s Green Earth has ever bought a truck due to John Cougar Mellencamp. The league folds in minutes without ad revenue, and the nation soon falls into a post-modern “leathers and feathers” dystopia

5. Well, not to say it too loud or anything, but OJ is out on bail

4. Brett Favre retires, causing every announcer, fan, fellow player and stadium concession worker to explode in a grand mal seizure of inconsolable grief; no one ever watches or plays NFL football with even the slightest hint of childlike joy ever again

3. League puts football on every available day of the week and television station, causing a weary public to just give up

2. The fantasy football industry is blindsided by the shocking revelation that if you stop talking about your team, you might actually get laid

1. New England goes 19-0 and wins every game by 20+ points, causing tens of millions of suicides; the mass deaths are praised by ESPN’s Resident Patriot Taint Licker Bill Simmons as A Good Thing, and Further Proof Of Bill Belichick’s Wonderful Genius

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CROWN OUR ASS! SCOPING OUT THE EC FANTASY LEAGUE

by Bstone, Brahsome

Each week a member of Brahsome.com will be bringing you an update of the Epic Carnival fantasy league, Epic Carnies League. (Way to be original, somebody.) We will be slamming our fellow writers for their stupid lineup selections, talking about stuff fantasy, and generally engendering hatred for our better than thou attitude. Don’t worry, we earned it.

What a fun week. We won, we scored more points than anyone else and my personal fantasy teams went 7-2. Yeah, bitches. NINE effing fantasy leagues. I’m so much more goddamn nerdy than you are. Especially you losers that couldn’t crack a fitty-spot this week. Embarrassing. I bet you have lives. Here are the scores for Week 4:

Pissing Excellence: 105
Picked_Ninth: 76

Pervert Clown: 60
SpongebobScorepoints: 87

Sheckler Monologues: 86
Vick’s Broken Dreams: 35

Sex Cannons: 40
tits and ass: 81

The Turnovers: 76
Drive Thru Abortions: 78

Tanuki: 72
3rd & Long Duk Dong: 91

Well, maybe it’s a little early to crown us. After all, we are only 3-1. But Pissing Excellence was the only team to crack 100 this week and we did it without bothering to sub in a replacement for Vernon Davis. F*** yeah we did it on purpose. You think we were scared of Picked_Ninth? Please. We even added Jeff King and sat him on the bench because we thought it would be funny. Well that and these clowns started Chris Cooley on his bye week. We were led by LaDanian Tomlinson finally showing up, Tom Brady being a model-f*cking monster stud and the Seattle D getting to face Trent Dilfer. If Larry Johnson doesn’t rip off a late game junk time run, Nate Kaeding is the second leading scorer for PN. Nuff said.

SpongebobScorePoints moved to 3-1 as well, while proclaiming himself a “fantasy warlord”. Fantasy warlord? This is fantasy f*cking football – not some Dungeon and Dragons bullsh*t. Get that nerd sh*t out of here. No role playing at the man-gate, p*ssy. By the way, get Ronnie Brown off the trading block. Anyone worth a sh*t knows he’s the biggest sell high of 2007 right now with the way that offensive line blocks. By the way, a Fantasy Warlord wouldn’t f*ck up and leave Patrick Crayton and his 30 on the bench, right? (Unless you were getting your advice from the guy at Fantasy Fanhouse. That d-bag said to sit him. So we’ll let you slide.) What we won’t let slide is that Pervert Clown is 0-4 but trying really hard. That’s just awkward. I’m not going to harp on the whole starting-Eli-Manning thing any more but dood, not only is he bad, but Pennington had a better matchup. Moving on…

OMG. LOL. WTF. Vick’s Broken Dreams is the only reason we’re not 4 and f*cking 0. And they just put up a 35. With no one on a bye. Granted Jake Delhomme and Rudi Johnson were out, but they were out days in advance. Which makes this both pathetic AND inexcusable!!! Doormat. Sheckler’s Monologues moved to 2-2 but might be in trouble with LaMont Jordan and Travis Henry as their starting running backs. Both spent the afternoon in a MRI machine so that’s never good news. This matchup is boring really.

As opposed to Sex Cannons v. TNA, right? The Cannons put up a 40 this week which is awful. And less points than McNasty scored by himself last week actually. This is a solid team once Brandon Jacobs comes back but pretty shallow at wideout. TNA picked up their first win the same week that Brett Favre broke Dan Marino’s touchdown record, so break out the rubber “candle” for a big time celebration. In all fairness, TNA has one of the best 1-3 teams I’ve seen this year – Willie Parker, Reggie Wayne, Marion Barber, III; it just goes to show that when you draft Favr-uh in the second round, you’re probably not helping yourself very much.

Drive Thru Abortions got on the board in terms of wins this week as well, and kept Turnover Battle from being the only 4-0 team in the league. DTA was fairly fortunate to win by two points, much thanks to Randy Moss and Wes Welker, particularly since Laurence Maroney didn’t play. Such is the danger of starting a guy who’s listed as questionable for a Monday Night Game. If Drew Brees wasn’t such a turdpile, DTA could actually make some noise the rest of the way. The Turnovers, meanwhile, should continue their spiral with Steven Jackson and Andre Johnson both injured, although if Hank can just stay afloat for a little while he has a shot of staying in this. Not having to start Bobby Engram every week would help a lot though.

In the weekly heavyweight matchup, the Dong rode Tony Romo all the way to a 40 spot, basically ensuring a win by 4:00 pm eastern standard. Tanuki has a nice team but the loss of Cadillac Williams for the year, coupled with the brilliant f*cking “intelligence” of drafting 14 wide receivers and six tight ends at the beginning of the year could mean trouble. Sammy Morris is the number two there and thing won’t be as nice as they were last night against Cincy (way to get all over that early, by the way). Dong should continue to have dominance over everyone but Team Brahsome, particularly with a disgusting crew of wide receivers. It should be noted that the addition of Mr. Mittens at quarterback doesn’t really help Steve Smith’s value.

Next week promises to be spicy as Tanuki and The Greatest Team of All Time (that’s us, Don. Watch your motherf*cking back, son.) matchup in the 3-4 spots while Dong and the Turnovers go head to head from the top two spots. Predictions? Nah. Let’s just say that LT is going to outscore Tanuki by himself.

Thanks to the Sports Pulse for not giving me permission to steal the Denny Green doodoo photo.

Let The Good Times Roll: The PUMA Store

TOP 10 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Note: Let’s face it, folks — your fantasy team is probably screwed by now, just like mine. Those savvy picks of Stephen Jackon, Drew Brees and Lee Evans hurt now, and they’re just going to keep hurting.

I feel your pain (even after the restraining order). So here’s a top 10 list of tactics to get some enjoyment out of the money you’re pissing away. You can thank me later.

10. Ridiculous Trade Offers. Hey, you know who would be better to own right now than Stephen Jackson and Drew Brees? Frank Gore and Tony Romo, that’s who. And they went right after each other in the draft. Find the guy with the good players and make the trade request, a few dozen times if necessary. Remember, it only takes a few mistaken mouse clicks, or paying off his roommate. to get the move approved!

9. Surf the Luck Wave. Last Saturday, Kevin Curtis was borderline ownable at best. Last Sunday, he put up 3 TDs and over 200 yards against the always entertaining Lion defense. Which utterly ordinary talent will pull off a similar trick this week? Ditch your usual talent and find out!

8. Play Lowball. Sure, anyone can have a run of the mill loser… but it takes stones to intentionally tank by trying to reach a perfect zero score. This is especially fun as the owners that already played your team start crying that it’s not fair that you’re not fielding a real team anymore. (You want to know what’s not fair, you crybabies? That the kids in your house don’t send me cards on Father’s Day.)

7. Uber Trash Talk. Got a crappy team? Go hog wild into self-delusion with over-the-top trash talk. If nothing else, you’re making the league more fun for the owners that will squash you next. So long as you’re going to take it, might as well make it fun for them.

6. That Old College Try. Got a thing for Ohio State or the University of Miami? Play the waiver wire until your team is made up entirely of alumni. Then, talk about your college to the exclusion of all other comments. Sure to impress the ladies!

5. Full Throttle Whine. There’s nothing that fantasy owners like better than the guy who can’t stop talking about all of the Bad Luck he’s been having. It’s the best way to convince us that you’re actually a genius after all. Bonus points if you can work in chapter and verse scoring moments that cost you in previous weeks!

4. Homer Mania. You know what the big problem with fansty football is? That they make you stop rooting for your team, and start rooting for individuals. Well, you can fix that! Just target a specific team (and it helps if you don’ t pick a particularly good one), and work to own all of their relevant players. That way, you can cut down on the number of games you watch *and* feel doubly happy when they win — because, unlike all of the rest of you heartless bastards, I haven’t sold my *soul*. So there.

3. My Other Team Is A Girlfriend In Canada. Tired of taking grief from your league mates? Talk up the *other* league you are in, the one where they play for *real* money and your draft displayed a crippling amount of Nostradamus-like foresight. The league you’re in with the guy you’re talking to is cute and quaint and all, but it’s so not where your focus lies. Really.

2. Unlike You, I Have A Life. Everyone else in your league is so uptight, but not you. Maybe you don’t belong in this league, since you’re all about having a good time, and they are all about finding Ahman Green’s backup. I mean, really, people, get a life.

1. Deadbeat Dad. There’s nothing better for the nerds in the league than an owner who just bails at the first sign of trouble, because it means one less hand in the cookie jar on waiver wire claims. So let your team go fallow, and stop paying attention even for obvious stuff like bye weeks. Soon, you’ll forget all about your shameful past!

Let The Good Times Roll: The PUMA Store