TOP 10 WORLD SERIES STORIES THAT WILL START AT INSUFFERABLE AND GET MUCH WORSE WITH REPETITION

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Did you know that the Red Sox won a World Series in 2004, and hence have loads more experience at winning the World Series? (This is a major advantage. Just ask the 2005 White Sox, the 2003 Marlins, or the 2002 Angels…)

9. Jon Papelbon. He’s wacky! He’s Irish! He’s dancing! Meanwhile, Colorado closer Manny Corpas just held up a liquor store while wearing women’s clothing. We’ll have the story in a few hours, after we’ve shown Pap dancing a few dozen more times.

8. The Rockies are filled with born-again types, while the Red Sox are clearly devotees of Satan. No, wait! Actually it turns out that the Red Sox also have some Jeezers on the roster. Phew, I was worried that we weren’t going to be able to mix religion into this!

7. Gosh, these teams are different! One team has a fan base that goes back over a century. The other has fans that have been watching their team for well over a decade — which is to say, they have no fans, really.

6. No one knows who the Rockies are! And despite days of being able to tell you, your sports media will just repeat that they are not well known. Don’t you love reporting without actual reporting?

5. The Rockies have won a lot of games! Does that make them hot, too hot, or ready to cool down? (Answer: The Red Sox are a 2-to-1 favorite to win. So we know what the betting public thinks…)

4. Ticket Mania! Over eight million requests on the Rockies Web site for tickets! And yes, they were all from New England! Thanks for asking!

3. Baseball in Denver in October! Will it be cold? Could there be snow? Is this an unmitigated horror that shows that the world is going to hell in a handbasket? All signs point to YES!

2. In the NL park, the teams will play by National League rules — which means David Ortiz has to play first if the Sox want his bat in the lineup. Is Ortiz better at first base defensively than many people think, does this prove that Bud Selig is a menace for not making the rules universal, and does this give the Rockies an unfair home field advantage? (We’d tell you, but we’ve got a whole other day of non-coverage hype to fill here. Have a heart.)

1. Which celebrities are rooting for each team, and can we somehow get them to talk about their fan loyalties?

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TOP 10 SELF-FLAGELLATION CHOICES FOR RED SOX HATERS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Bone whip to the tendons while watching the JD Drew grand slam

9. Series of small cuts while reading “Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Red Sox Elimination Day” column

8. Binder clips on the nipples while reading Curt Schilling’s blog

7. Foot binding while watching the Jonathan Papelbon dance footage

6. Beating your own chest red and raw while watching “Fever Pitch”

5. Wearing a crown of thorns while watching Dane Cook promos

4. Taking a fistful of laxatives while reading Bill Simmons, for that maximum weight loss

3. Hunger striking until the Red Sox are eliminated (warning: could be fatal)

2. Caning after reciting the names of various Red Sox players (Crisp, Lugo, Drew, Gagne, Hinske) with the words “World Champion”

1. Judas Cradle while reading Red Sox sports blogs

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WHY RUNNING UP THE SCORE ISN’T JUST WRONG, IT’S STUPID

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

In today’s Bad Tooth moment for me, I read Simmons’ latest mouth job for the Patriots. It turns out that running up the score and being irredeemable douchebags is OK, because people said mean thing about the Patriots about CheaterGate FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS.

I mean, really, people, what were we thinking? The marquee team of the league threatens the entire viability of the NFL by compromising its integrity in a particularly blatant way, right in front of the league’s commissioner, and we went *on and on* about it. WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

Ow. Impacted. Owwww. Yeah, I think it’s cracked. Let me touch it with my tongue some more. OWWWW…. Hmm. Maybe some mouthwash would help. OWWWWWWWWW….

Anyway, after the self-loathing was over, it got me to thinking — what, beyond the sense of reeking obnoxiousness, is really all that bad about running up the score? The opposing team are professionals, not little kids; it’s not like we expect them to cry over it. The fans who are rooting against the Patriots aren’t going to hate them any more or less from an extra score or six. You’re either all in or all out with this team – they are the football equivalent of a Karl Rove campaign, only without the subtlety, and with ten times the competence.

And yet, here is the reason why it’s a bad idea… I’m convinced, on some level, that it will eventually get the refs to turn on you. And it’s also going to get the team that’s taking it without lube to forget the Unwritten Rules of Football.

While it hasn’t manifested itself enough to turn into action yet (or, for that matter, a workable labor union), the NFL is a fraternity. On any given play, at any given moment, your career can end. And it can happen at more or less the mercy of individual players on the opposing team.

A dive at the back of the knee. A roll into the pile, with a grab and yank that isn’t about getting the ball. A flat out late hit on a high throw, or a quarterback, punter or kicker taking a shot with malice when they are vulnerable. If you want someone hurt badly enough in an NFL game, and have a small but actionable group that’s willing to go beyond the pale to Make A Statement… well, we know it could happen, so at some point, maybe it will happen. We’re talking about some of the biggest, fastest and most powerful athletes on the planet. And most of them are pretty good at violence.

It’s still not terribly likely; if nothing else, no one wants to pay the fine, face the suspension, or deal with the resulting public fallout and possible revenge ploy from an unhinged Patriots fan. But you have to think that eventually, someone is going to Cross The Line…. and that line gets easier to cross when the team that’s giving you the beatdown are being complete douchebags about it.

And that, by the way is why

1) You don’t crown the title of Best Team Ever before Halloween, and

2) You don’t run up the score, week in and week out, on large and violent men who have access to your extremities.

So… am I rooting for this blood lust?

When John Lennon sang the Beatles’ song “Revolution,” the lyric is

But when you talk about Destruction
Don’t you know that you can count me out…

and then Lennon would say

in

Fairly quietly, so that most of the time, it was not noticed.

Eventually, an interviewer asked him about it, and Lennon said something to the effect that when violence and destruction went down, he hoped he’d have the strength and decency to keep out of it… but, well, he just wasn’t sure. Maybe he gets caught up in it, he just didn’t know.

And yes, that’s increasingly where you are getting, if you are a football fan that is ambivalent or worse about the Pats. When the fall occurs, and it always does, there will be many enjoying the ride.

P.S. For another side on this, check out what the boys at My Brain Says Rage have to say. (They do use naughtier language than us, if such things offend your virgin eyes.)

(Originally published 10/16)

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TOP TEN YANKEE HEADLINES THAT WILL DISTRACT VIEWERS FROM THE WORLD SERIES

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Just in time for Game Five of the ALCS, the Yankees finally got around to the end of the Joe Torre Era, leading many observers to wonder if the timing was set up to distract the sports media’s attention on the Red Sox-Indians series. What headlines does the team have planned to keep the focus on them during the upcoming World Series?

10. THE YANKEES NEW MANAGER IS… a new reality show that’s on YES at the same time as those boring World Series games. Text your vote to see who gets voted off!

9. A-ROD TELETHON! The Yankees hold a 24-hour telethon to raise funds and awareness for A-Rod. Scott Boras Hosts!

8. STEIN DEATHWATCH! Not that he’s sick or even ailing, but damn, IMAGINE THE HEADLINES! Can you cough a little more for us, Boss?

7. CLEMENS RETIREMENT WATCH! What, you mean this story has been happening for ten years? That just means it’s a Big Story!

6. JOBA SAYS NO! The Yankees stud young reliever announces something about starting or relieving that won’t matter until February, and could change any number of times before then, and yet it’s still a story. God bless America!

5. JOE TALKS SOME MORE! What’s he thinking now? What will he be thinking tomorrow? Is he going to be hired by some other team? Will that team change its name to The Yankees, just to spite the Yankees? Some say YES!

4. SUZYN GOES NUTSO! Distraught over the lack of Joe in her life and the constant harassment of mean sports bloggers like us, the YES announcer is riding and shooting. Stay indoors!

(And the follow-up from the geniuses at the Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society…)

3. MASSIVE MOVES! OK, so these can’t actually happen until later this winter, but that doesn’t really have to stop anyone from writing that THE YANKEES HAVE SIGNED JOHAN SANTANA, does it? No, dammit, IT DOES NOT.

2. EARTH-SHAKING NEW STADIUM NEWS! In that, well, earth was shaking. Look, dirt!

1. NEW MANAGER TURMOIL! Is the guy who didn’t get the job annoyed? Let’s ask him until he, and the rest of the First World, is!

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I JUST CAN’T WAIT: TOP 10 WAYS TO CELEBRATE RED SOX ELIMINATION DAY

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Ever since the 2003 ALDS, where my A’s lost in front of me to the crotch-grabbing Derek Lowe while 10K Massholes celebrated by finding as many A’s fans as possible to personally mock (fighting off flashbacks)…

I’ve taken special joy in the best day of the year for baseball fans whose hate was formed in this century, rather than the last: Red Sox Elimination Day.

With the Tribe up 3-1 and looking to seal the deal on Thursday night, what are the best ways to celebrate the potential holiday this year?

10. Quietly, with friends, while having a seven course meal and the bottle of wine you’ve been saving all year for such a special occasion

9. Drunkenly, on the streets of Cleveland, as you tearfully tell Tribe revelers that, this week, they are your very favorite baseballest team ever

8. Reverently, in a candlelit ceremony where prayer-like thanks is given to the Holy Trinity of Suck that helped to make it all happen: Eric Gagne, JD Drew and Julio Lugo (though if anyone wants to offer up a silent candle and thanks to the Sox starting pitchers that could never get through five innings, that’s fine too — on RSED, we all come together, no matter what our faith is)

7. Violently, as you get a fantastic cardio workout from stomping around your house, furious at the Sawx for daring to bring heartbreak into your life (Note: this one’s only really good for non-participants, preferably through the distance of secret video)

6. Joyfully, as you explain to a child fan of the Red Sox that while there is always next year, the odds are realistically against them winning then, too

5. Inexpensively, as you buy commemorative 2007 ALCS Participant and AL East Champion memoribilia as discounted Christmas gifts for any Red Sox fans in your life

4. Charitably, by donating your offshore gambling winnings from betting against the Sox to the Jimmy Fund

3. Carpe diem(ly?), for while we live we must dance, and love, and enjoy all of the bounties, raptures and sumptuous pleasures of a world in which Red Sox Fan Is Very, Very Sad

2. Anonymously, by lurking in Masshole bulletin boards and fan sites and slurping up those Yummy Tears of Unfathomable Sadness

1. Recklessly, because while the cops might expect flipped cars, bonfires and rioting in the event of a Tribe World Series win in Cleveland, doing this in your own hometown is just going to seem, well, much more random, really

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TOP 10 WAYS THE PATRIOTS CAN BECOME EVEN MORE HATED

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

In 2007, the New England Patriots have:

> Won every game going away, while running up the score
> Ran multiple offensive plays for linebackers
> Been caught cheating, then handled the aftermath like Richard Nixon
> Traded for a notorious malcontent WR at twenty cents on the dollar, and presided over his career rebirth
> And done it all with one of the most smug, self-satisfied and overbearing fan bases the world has ever endured.

At 6-0, they have already inspired bounties from bloggers and outbursts from “supporters”…

But the mainstream media, with the occasional exception, are still mostly on board with the team, and they’ve shown no signs of losing any part of their fan base in New England.

And it’s only October, after all. The Patriots will bring more to their game when the playoffs start. So what’s next for the team in their quest to become the Most Hated Football Team Ever?

10. Rubbing their armpits in the face of downed ballcarriers

9. Repeating every question asked of them by media members in a sing-song, imitative manner

8. Starting off every road game with long individual introductions for every single player

7. Playing “Rock and Roll Part 2″ on loudspeakers after every score, first down, television timeout *and* touchdown — especially now that Gary Glitter is in a Vietnamese jail for pedophilia and really needs the royalty checks

6. Making their cheerleaders cover up, since they could be distracting viewers from basking in the Complete Glory that is The Patriots

5. Letting teams score in garbage time intentionally, just so they can get the ball back and pad Tom Brady’s stats some more

4. Onside kicks, fake punts and fumblerooski trick plays when up big late

3. Buying up entire sections of opposing team stadiums for road games, then instituting Patriot Fan Only areas (oh, snap, this already more or less happens?)

2. Engineering the release of Rae Carruth and turning him into a special teams star

1. Getting a television sports network to cover them 24/7, with premature and constantly escalating arcing ropes of hype jism as whether they are the Best Football Team Ever, Best Sports Team Ever, or An Army of 45 Gods Among Men Who Could Personally Bring Forth Armageddon If We Dare Cross Them (oh, crap, this one too?)

(H/t for the YouTube clip to Deadspin.)

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TOP 10 NFL ISSUES THAT CONGRESS CAN ADDRESS NOW THAT THE BRETT FAVRE MOTION IS DONE

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Now that Congress has tackled the urgent matter of praising Brett Favre, what’s next up for America’s elected officials who are looking to get some cheap press clippings from the dominant sports league? Glad you asked, theoretical reader. The following are now working their way through comittee.

10. HR 362436, Resolving That The Eagles Cheerleaders Have Mighty Fine Breasts And Posteriors, And That It Is Permissible For Americans To View And Enjoy Them, If They Are Into That Kind Of Thing

9. HR 696969, Resolving That New Pittsburgh Steelers Mascot Steely McBeam, While Not Welcome To Participate In A Same Sex Marriage Because That Would Be Icky, Is Allowed To Pay Taxes And Feel Positively Neato About Himself And His Team

8. HR 182988, Declaring That Even Though No One Could Possibly Defeat The Patriots, It’s Completely OK If The Colts Want To Try Anyway, Just For, You Know, Some Small Sense of Drama

7. HR 3726520, Thanking Shaun Alexander For His Many Years Of Wonderful Service To The Seahawks, And Wishing Him Well In All Of His Retirement Days, Which Can Start Any Time Now, Really

6. HR 134EVER, Asking For Relief And Redress From The National Disaster and Tragedy That Is The 2007 Miami Doplhis (Rams expected to be added in “pork” committee round)

5. HR12!12!12!, Resolving That Although What Steely McBeam Is Into Is Icky, It’s Perfectly OK If Tom Brady Is Involved, If You Catch Our Meaning, And I Think You Do, Aww Yeah Baby

4. HR 81418, The Chicago Bears Quarterback Relief Bill of 2007, Proposing That All Concerned Parties Continue To Obsess Over Grossman, Griese and Orton, Rather Than Notice That The Old De Fence, She Ain’t What She Used To Be, Ain’t What She Used To Be, Ain’t What She Used To Be

3. HR 016016, Whereas The Rams And The Dolphins, If Both Organizations Continue To Provide Victories For All Other Teams, Shall Be Recognized For Their Generosity Of Spirit And Charity Towards All Teams, With Prejudice Towards None

2. HR 25>28, Proposing That Reggie Bush Remains Far More Exciting Than That Unproven, Injury-Prone Peterson Fellow Who Isn’t Even The Only Player In The NFL With That Name, So How Special Can He Be, Really (regional appeal for this bill only)

1. HR 81481, Resolving That Anyone Who Says Nay To Randy Moss and the New England Patriots Is Classified As An Enemy Combatant And Is Eligible To Serve In Guantanamo Bay As An An Undocumented Participant In The Wink-Wink Scream-Scream Room

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TOP 10 REASONS THE RAMS WILL GO WINLESS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

6 down, 10 to go. Can the Rams achieve perfection? All signs point to… YES.

10. Their last ten games are at Seattle, Cleveland, at New Orleans, at San Fran, Seattle, Atlanta, at Cincy, Green Bay, Pittsburgh and at Arizona. Right now, it’s hard to imagine they will be favored in any of those games.

9. Coach Scott Linehan has taken over the play-calling. In general, having a zombie do this doesn’t work out. (Witness the 2006 Raiders.)

8. Today’s starting quarterback, Gus Frerotte, threw five interceptions and also had a fumble. The usual starter, Marc Bulger, has destroyed fantasy football teams from coast to coast, and has more broken ribs than touchdowns.

7. Since the team no longer employs Kurt Warner, and failed to secure Jon Kitna in free agency, God has clearly forsaken them.

6. St. Louis owner Georgia Frontiere took ownership of the team after the mysterious drowning death of her husband, then ousted her stepson from the organization. She also moved the team from Los Angeles for corporate welfare from the city of St. Louis. Regardless of the team’s recent Super Bowl win, you don’t recover from karma like that.

5. The Rams have the only white starting back in the NFL, Brian Leonard, who gashed the Ravens today for 18 yards on 12 carries, with a long of 4. He’s now splitting carries with Travis Minor. No, seriously.

4. The team’s old nickname, the Greatest Show on Turf, has been officially designated as insulting to astroturf.

3. Both starting tackles, Todd Steussie and Orlando Pace, are on the IR. They are joined on the sideline by the starting QB (Bulger), RB (Stephen Jackson), 2nd WR (Issac Bruce), 3rd WR (Dante Hall)… and the list just goes on.

2. An anonymous Rams player was quoted this week as being worried about going winless. You think that maybe this doesn’t bode well for the old confidence level, that with 10 games left to play, even the players are starting to wonder about going winless?

1. They’ll be officially eliminated from playoff contention before Halloween. If this is the level of effort while they are still “alive”, what happens when they no longer have anything to play for?

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WOULD YOU RETURN YOUR MEDAL?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe.

This week the EC writers debate “If you were one of Marion Jones’ teammates on the relay team that won a medal, would you give it back?”

Bstone, Brahsome: Yeah. I’d attach it to the Civil Summons for the huge f**king class action suit that me and the rest of the team would drop on her ass. Punitive damages request of about $25 millions sounds about right.

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: Only if I could get a book deal out of it. Let’s face it, their names aren’t exactly tripping off the tongue here.

Mac G, Mac G’s World: Is it not a bronze? I would not give it back because I still do not trust the Germans, Russians or Easter European sprinters for being clean. Have you seen those women? I mean men.

Don, With Malice…: I’d give it back I guess, but I’d be pissed as all hell at Jones. Just as pissed that she’s broke now too, as any hope of recouping some money out of it’s gone too.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: I wouldn’t return my, because although our “team” performance was effected by someone that knowingly/unknowingly cheated, it’s not as if I did that to win my event. If everyone thought it to be morally unacceptable, I would return it. But unless that were to happen, the medal is mine. And I earned it.

Jacob, Vegas Watch: Being in the Olympics means you inevitably did a sh*tload of steroids yourself, so yes, I would give it back.

Simon, SimonOnSports: Hell no, I would just say a I lost it or maybe I would eBay the thing like OJ did to his Heisman Trophy. Nothing in this world is free.

Richie Rich, Home Run Derby: Hell no. If the IOC wanted it, they could go to eBay like everyone else.

WCT, Wasting Company Time: I would never give back my medal. Do the ‘89 oakland A’s have to give back their championship rings because their teammate was juicing? If I were Passion, I would have no problem keeping my medal, assuming Passion is clean.

Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond: I’d fish out a dead fetus from one of those abortion clinics I hang out at and put it in the box and return it. Kinda like the horse’s head move from The Godfather … but funnier.

Andrew, The Grand National Championships: No. You cannot force a team to give back any award for the mistakes of one person.

BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity: If my name were Passion Richardson, I’d never give sh*t back. Badass name.

So that’s three to return, and nine to keep.

What would you do? Tell us in the comments.

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TOP 10 SIGNS THAT THE ROCKIES ARE JUST A WEE BIT HOT

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Won tonight despite facing Brandon Webb, at home, and having no extra base hits; this is the first time in 2007 that they won a game without an extra base hit

9. Over half of the starting lineup are now just closing their eyes and swinging the bat, and still getting on base

8. With two one and nobody out in the 7th, the Rockies were awarded a double play on a questionable baserunner interference call at second

7. Instead of baseball cards to autograph, Rockie fans are asking the players to touch unscratched lottery tickets

6. In the 3-run Rockies third, Matt Holliday reached on a trickler that started foul, swerved fair, then rolled into the bag for a base hit

5. Water bottles thrown at the Rockies during the 7th inning ugliness were redeemed for big money down at the recycling center

4. Team got back CF Willy Taveras from injury for his first game back since September 8; Taveras went 1 for 5, stole a base and scored a run

3. Rockies manager Clint Hurdle has excreted nothing but 24k gold leaf for three weeks

2. Team has won, um, 18 out of their last 19 freaking games

1. Holliday still hasn’t tagged home plate, and yet the Padres are still eliminated

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