THE MIDWAY: TY COBB & GOPHER HYPOCRISY

Ty Cobb makes Barry Bonds look like Strawberry Shortcake. Mmmmmm… Shortcake. (Sports Biotch)

The Minnesota Golden Gophers are fine with playing Illinois, but won’t play another American-Indian nickname school from North Dakota? Hypocrisy? (The Meaningful Collateral)

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THE MIDWAY: WEED & ‘ROIDS

Cam Cameron and Nick Saban may not respect Ricky Williams but Safer Alternative for Enjoyable Education wants him to know there’s a place where he’s welcome. They even put up a billboard. (Deuce of Davenport)

Kimberly Bell, Barry Bonds’ ex-batgirl, gets a bit of pre-Playboy pub in the NY Daily News. She talks about Bonds’ big hits and little balls. Pics too. (Steroid Nation)

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A DUMB ARGUMENT THAT HAS ALWAYS BUGGED ME: BARRY BONDS SHOULD BE A HALL OF FAMER BECAUSE HE WAS GREAT BEFORE STEROIDS

by Lozo, Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Blog?

I have a problem. I love to argue. Debate, if you will. While I am a master debater, I do prefer if the argument I am up against is a decent one, or if the person I’m arguing with has some sort of skills.

Like, The Inquisitor, for instance. Loves to argue, but we all remember the day we realized he lost his fastball. Heck, it was the day we realized he needed Tommy John argument surgery.

It was five years ago, during our first baseball trip. We were in Montreal, home of stronger beer, women who don’t shave their pits, and stronger beer. I can’t tell you the name of the place we were all drinking, but it had these monster-sized pitchers of beer. The Yankees were facing the Red Sox.

It was going to the ninth inning, and the Yankees had a slim lead. For some reason, Mariano Rivera was available but not brought in to close. Guess who was? That’s right — Armando Benitez.

Three of us openly mocked this decision. Not TI. “It’ll be good for his confidence,” explained TI.

We were of the belief that Benitez couldn’t close a hot dog stand, and asking him to close a game in Fenway was guaranteed disaster and was just going to hurt his confidence more. Of course, David Ortiz hits a game-winning smash off the top of the Green Monster, Boston wins.

Amazingly, to this day, TI defends his logic in this situation. And now whenever TI presents some sort of bizarre argument (Iowa will be in the Top 25) we refer to it as an “Armando” argument.

Now while that’s the dumbest argument I’ve ever heard in person, here is the dumbest one I’ve ever heard, in person or otherwise, because no one ever seems to point out how dumb it is — Barry Bonds was a Hall of Famer before he took steroids, so he should still get in now.

Let’s take a quick trip into Fantasyland and pretend there is a heaven and god and magic underwear work. Now, let’s say Mother Teresa walks into Washington Square Park with an Uzi and starts mowing people down. She kills 30.

Do you think on Jesus TV that night some commentator is going to be all, “Mother Teresa was getting into heaven long before she killed 30 people.”

I don’t think so.

Don’t like ridiculous hypotheticals? Well, let’s take the example that gets me worked up every time I hear the Bonds argument. Pete Rose.

Pete Rose bet on baseball, which is illegal. Barry Bonds took illegal steroids, which is, yes, illegal.

I can’t say for sure, but I believe that if Rose was never betting against his team (obviously debatable if you believe that, but I do) how does what he did harm the integrity of the game worse than what Bonds did? To me, cheating is cheating. Breaking rules is breaking rules. Is Bonds getting a pass because so many others took steroids, too? If you were a woman, would you be less upset that your husband was cheating on you if you found out 85 percent of husbands were cheating on their wives?

My point is this — why doesn’t anyone make the argument that Pete Rose was a Hall of Famer long before he ever placed a bet on baseball? If my calculations are correct, Rose got his 3,000th hit in 1978. If people believed he didn’t start betting till his managerial days, would Rose be in the Hall? Because the overall sentiment seems to be that Bonds is getting in on the merit of his pre-steroids days.

And to me, it’s just wrong. Bonds did just as much harm to the game as Rose did. I just don’t believe a double-standard in this case is warranted. Bonds in the Hall is an Armando argument if I ever heard one.

(Originally published 9/28)

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HOW ‘ROIDERS FARED IN THEIR FINAL AT-BAT

by Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond

On Wednesday, Barry Bonds took his final at-bat wearing a Giants uniform in San Francisco. The appearance was a prime example of why the Giants were bidding farewell to their longtime left fielder. Bonds hit a long fly ball to center that was just shy of the warning track – a ball that in past years would probably have exited the park.

As it is, Bonds represents the Steroid Era more than any other player. And though he will probably play again next year, many of his contemporaries that made the era what it was have retired or are on their last legs. Here’s how some suspected or confirmed juicers fared in the final at-bats of their career, in chronological order. As you will see, 2001 and 2005 were particularly bad years for these broken down players.

Rafael Palmeiro, Baltimore Orioles – August 30, 2005: With runners on first and second in the top of the eighth inning, Rafael Palmeiro was struck out looking by Jason Frasor of the Blue Jays. Toronto won the game 7-2.

Bret Boone, Minnesota Twins – July 30, 2005: Having let go by Seattle, the Twins picked up Boone in hopes he would regain his power. In the top of the 7th against the Red Sox, Boone made the final out of the inning on a fly ball to right field against David Wells. The Twins lost 6-2, and Boone was released after hitting just .170 for the team.

Juan Gonzalez, Cleveland Indians – May 31, 2005: Gonzalez lasted all of one game and one at-bat for the Indians. In the top of the first inning, he grounded out to third against the Twins’ Carlos Silva. In the bottom of that inning, he was replaced by Casey Blake. The Indians went on to win, but Gonzalez never saw the field again.

Benito Santiago, Pittsburgh Pirates – April 11, 2005: Santiago played only 6 games and registered just 23 at-bats with the Pirates. In the top of the 8th against Milwaukee, Santiago faced Matt Wise, and struck out looking in a 6-2 loss.

Mark McGwire, St. Louis Cardinals – October 14, 2001: In game 5 of the NLDS against the Arizona Diamondbacks, McGwire struck out swinging in the top of the 7th against Curt Schilling. He would be pinch-hit for in the 9th inning of that game by reserve outfielder Kerry Robinson. The Cards would lose to eventual World Champions Arizona in the bottom of the 9th.

Ken Caminiti, Atlanta Braves – October 12, 2001: The last game of his career was his only at-bat of the postseason in game 3 of the NLDS. The Braves swept the Astros, and in the bottom of the 7th, Caminiti pinch-hit for Mike Remlinger. He flied to center off of Octavio Dotel.

Jose Canseco, Chicago White Sox – October 6, 2001: Playing in the final game of a regular season that went long because of 9/11, Canseco and the White Sox were playing in Minnesota. In the top of the 9th, with a runner on first and the Sox down by one, Canseco pinch-hit for Mark L. Johnson. He flew out to center against Eddie Guardado, and the Sox went on to lose. He got a viral infection, went on the DL, and never returned.

Combined Total of These Players: 0-7, 3 K’s

(All game info: Baseball-Reference.com)

(Originally published 9/27)

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IF ONLY YOU COULD BRAND BONDS INSTEAD

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

WARNING: Semi-serious post from a usual jackass ahead. You have been cautioned.

The results are in from vote756.com and the fans have spoken, they want to send Barry Bonds home run record breaking ball to Cooperstown with an asterisk:

Over 10 million people voted and were given the options of banishing it into space, bestowing it to the Hall of Fame or branding it with an asterisk, due to the popular thought that Bonds used performance-enhancing drugs to accomplish the feat. The decision was a landslide as 47 percent of voters put their support behind branding it while 34 percent voted to bestow it to the Hall of Fame. “We’re going to be working with the folks at the Hall of Fame. It is a historical museum. We want to treat this ball as such, as an artifact with respect,” Ecko said on the Today Show.

Nothing says “we respect your accomplishments” more than slapping a symbol that has summed up the public’s opinion on your career on an item of history you created. Personally, I wanted to see the ball banish into space because it just sounded amazing.

All kidding aside, I really appreciate Ecko’s idea to let the public decide on the fate of the baseball. Bonds seems to be untouchable to the public. No matter what you say about him, it doesn’t seem to affect him. No matter what you think he’s allegedly done, no one can seem to catch him in the process. Barry Bonds has been a huge part of sporting culture and almost synonymous with cheating. Fans have always wanted to take their shot at Bonds, so why not hit him where it hurts the most? Bonds had called Ecko “a moron”. Why? Because nothing would hurt Bonds more than tarnishing the one thing that means the most to him.

By doing that, you’ve hurt Bonds more than words or physical force ever could.

Wow, that was really hard for me to write. I’m going to go back to the apartment and shotgun a few cold ones before I start shedding a tear.

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WHAT TO DO WITH #756*

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers debate “What should Marc Ecko do with Barry Bonds’ #756 home run ball?”

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: He should artificially increase the size of the ball, because More Ball is Good, so that it entirely fills Pac Bell Park.

Then, it should be mounted there permanently, so that the Giants and their fans can better appreciate their decision to contribute to history.

Also, Bonds should be forced / allowed to play for the Giants for as long as he likes, at his current salary level or better.

After all, More Ball is Good. It’s only right.

Simon, SimonOnSports: I think he should brand it with an asterisk then give it to the hall of fame to encase in a urinal with the ball semi exposed with a plastic covering. So that every generation of fan can urinate on Barry Bonds record.

Sorry females… Maybe they can encase 755 in a little pop a squat chamber in the ladies room.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: Is there any way to launch the ball up Barry’s ass?

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: I think Ecko should take the ball and stick a syringe into it, then tell the Hall of Fame that they can only have it for display if they keep the syringe in place. If that doesn’t fly then he should tell Barry that he can have have it if he admits that he cheated to reach the record. And if that doesn’t happen, he should simply take a dump on it and throw it into the Hudson River.

WCK, 100% Injury Rate: Give it to me, I’m $750,000 in debt.

Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes: Give it to the winner of the first annual Kenny Mayne Kayak olympiad.

BD, Sports Show On Mute: Send it to the hall of fame with or without the branding. As tainted as it is it should still be in the hall.

Don, With Malice…: Mount it on a keyfob and send it to Sadaharu Oh.

BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity: He should sell the ball to someone else. Then they should use the ball to turn people’s contempt for Barry Bonds into a meaningless publicity stunt.

Oh.

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BONDS’ BALLS BRING IN CLOSE TO $1 MILLION

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

So who here thought that the Bonds’ 755 and 756 balls wouldn’t bring in much dough? Who thought that the stigma attached to those record-tying and record-breaking baseballs would be enough to deflate the bids placed on those balls at auction? Show of hands … Yeah, me too.

Barry Bonds’ record-breaking 756th home run ball was auctioned Saturday for $752,467, well more than the estimates by memorabilia experts.

Home run No. 755, the ball that tied the record, went for $186,750, according to Sotheby’s/SCP Auctions.

The owner of the 756 ball, Matt Murphy, thought long and hard about keeping the ball but it’s my guess that a little thing called the IRS had something to do with his final decision to sell the ball, seeing as how they were going to tax him on its “perceived value.”

“I had hoped to keep the ball, but when I determined that was not the best strategy at this stage of my life, this definitely was the right decision,” Murphy said in a statement released after the sale.

Having to pay taxes on a ball valued in the $500,000 range as a student played a small role in that “strategy” to say the least.

Experts had predicted the ball that tied Hank Aaron’s home run record would fetch about $200,000, and that the record-breaker would be sold for least $500,000.

Needless to say, “experts” overestimated the spine of the American collectibles market.

Neither buyer was identified by request. I know if I ponied up several hundred grr for a Barry Bonds ball I wouldn’t want people to know it either.

So much for the McGwire ball that some guy paid close to $3 mill for, huh? Nice investment there.

Source: SI

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Mr. Murphy You are a Disgrace

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Two weeks ago, during my first week as a Carny, I laid claim to Matt Murphy, aka the kid who caught Barry Bonds home run ball, being a douche. Anyone who wears an irrelevant jersey to a game should be regarded as a douche, its a fact. Well two weeks later and one trip to Australia down the hatch it is evident that Mr. Murphy is not only a douche but also a complete disgrace.

See, our very own Carny, West Coast Kid at 100% Injury Rate, uncovered a gem this morning. Matt Murphy is not just most likely going to sell the home run ball, but he is pawning off his entire outfit he wore during the game. He has both his hat and his jersey on ebay and has set an initial bid of 100 dollars for each item. Yes, 100 dollars for a dirty hat that has nothing to do with anything.

Unlike Injury Rate I am not going to give a link out to his ebay site, because, well, he shouldn’t make a dime for the garbage he has for sale. Look at him, how much of hobo does he look like. What, you need the 100 dollars to afford a razor? How can this kid afford to take a trip to Australia? One has to think that he’s just a rich spoiled kid from Queens, who’s mommy and daddy funded a wonderful vacation to Down Undah.

Sell the ball Mr. Murphy. I understand it’s worth some money, and it’s a baseball…but selling your gross jersey and your disgusting hat. Come on now you’re just being greedy. Please just sell the ball already and get out of everybody’s life, because you Mr. Murphy are a disgrace.

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Jonathan Lee Riches Strikes Again; Sues Bonds, Selig and a Bat

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

Yes, a bat. Hank Aaron’s bat to be precise. The same guy who we chronicled here at Epic Carnival back on July 27th for suing Michael Vick for $63 billion because Vick has alleged ties to Al-Qaeda has now set his sights on the Home Run King himself, as well as Commissioner Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron’s bat. This time though, he only wants $42 million.

According to the Smoking Gun,

The federal prisoner/habitual litigant recently scored headlines with his insane $63 billion lawsuit against Michael Vick (who allegedly stole Riches’s dogs, sold them on eBay, and used the proceeds to buy weapons from the Iranian government). Riches, who is doing a decade in prison for fraud, is at it again, this time filing a loony–though quite funny–complaint again Barry Bonds, baseball commissioner Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron’s bat. In his lawsuit, Riches, pictured in the below mug shot, weaves an intricate conspiracy theory involving television ratings, steroids, the cracking of the Liberty Bell, Colombian narco-terrorists, and secretly recorded conversations for which journalists Robert Novak and Judith Miller have transcripts.

The fact that he is nuts is not at issue, but he must have some intelligence since he managed to file his lawsuits in 15 separate federal jurisdictions in what appears to be an effort to avoid sanctions over the filing of frivolous lawsuits.

In his customary had-written complaint, Riches states, among other things, that the two baseball men and the bat are guilty of “bat assault, HGH violations, treason, major fraud, skimming the books, illegal moonshine, terrorism, social security fraud, stalking, identity theft, copyright infringement, false information, illegal electronic wiretapping, and bad debt.”

He also states that Barry Bonds and Bud Selig are in a “conspiracy to boost television ratings” and that Selig has been secretly giving steroids to Bonds for four years under the supervision of Sammy Sosa.

Another accusation states that Bonds uses Hank Aaron’s corked bat and stores his HGH in secret chambers within the bat.

And the toppers are the facts that he accuses Bonds of bench-pressing him against his will to show off for his ballpark buddies and that Bonds gave Saddam Hussein mustard gas.

Stay tuned to the TV and Internet, as I am sure that FOX News will be reporting on this story as breaking news about 10 to 14 days from now.

(UPDATE: It has now come to light that he has also sued Lebron James, Michael Vick, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, Tony Montana (yes, Tony…), Mickey Mantle, and Allen Iverson. Link to the story.)

Click the documents to view them at a larger size.

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Hold on to Your Balls, They’re About to be Taxed!

by Sanchez, Shot To Nothing

Why does every damned thing always have to come down to the bottom line? Can’t we for once have a bit of that American Dream back without the soiled hands of the government ruining our fun?

“Selling the ball for that amount would instantly put Murphy in the highest tax bracket for individual income, where he would face a tax rate of about 35 percent, or about $210,000 on a $600,000 ball.”

Some random Joe (who may or may not be a douche), catching a baseball that could change his life was about the only good news to come out of the numero 756* fiasco. That’s kinda what the American Dream is all about isn’t it? Spending you hard earned cash on a hope and a prayer and catching some good fortune? This is a one off, a unique event, a once in a lifetime deal, can’t the stone cold heart of the taxman take a break on this one and leave it for what it is?

“Even if he does not sell the ball, Murphy would still owe the taxes based on a reasonable estimate of its value”

*sigh* I guess not. I don’t know Mr. Murphy and I don’t really care about him. But what I do care about is a guy catching a shiny homered baseball and being able to take it home or sell it or teabag it or whatever the heck, without some stony faced government official demanding a cut.

Source: SI

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