WATCH OUT YOU NAPPY HEADED HOES

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

In a move that should surprise absolutely no one, Don Imus is coming back to radio. And he’ll be on one the nation’s most listened to radio stations as well – WABC in NYC. I’m not sure this is the end of civilization as we know it, but you can definitely see it from here.

It’s not really worth getting into a debate about whether or not Imus’ infamous “nappy headed hoes” comment about the Rutgers women’s basketball team was racist, or a fireable offense, or free speech. It was all of those things.

The real story is about money. Because that’s why Imus will be going on the air again and that’s why Kia Vaughn filed that ridiculous lawsuit against Imus for defamation of character.

Like criminal athletes who get 18 chances because they have incredible talent, Don Imus will be back on the air again because he has a talent – which is he can consistently be a huge controversial asshole. And being a consistently huge controversial asshole on the radio makes people money. Just like how talented criminal athletes can still produce wins, and put butts in the seats.

And don’t expect Imus to change in the least. He’s already called Hillary Clinton “satan” for what he says was her taking advantage of the Rutgers situation. Sounds like a guy who clearly learned his lesson that he’s got to hold his tongue.

So watch out nappy headed hoes of the world. Imus hasn’t learned anything and he’ll be back making borderline racist comments starting in early December.

It’s too bad that sometimes the loudest and most boorish speakers are the only ones actually heard.

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A GREAT WAY TO PICK UP GIRLS

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

If there’s anything I’ve learned from writing every so often about soccer players, it’s that they’re basically functional and highly skilled retards. Because some of the stuff they do is simply beyond all comprehension.

Let’s take former Preston North End striker David Nugent who’s now with Portsmouth. He met a nice young 19-year-old hottie recently at a bar who he was smitten with. So what did he do? What everyone does when they want to bag a fine piece of ass. He sent her a full-frontal naked picture of himself to her mobile phone.

Now that’s how you do it gentlemen. All class.

Anyway, the girl immediately forwarded the image to all her friends in the city. One of them told a national newspaper: “There are a lot of Preston fans who are cheesed off about him leaving – so this is payback.”

Simply retarded.

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MILTON BRADLEY MAY HAVE BEEN RIGHT

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

A lot of people went after Milton Bradley after he lost his cool at umpire Mike Winters and subsequently tore his ACL in the ensuing melee. That’s only natural, because Bradley is one of baseball’s ultimate hotheads. But it turns out Bradley may have actually had a semi-legitmate reason for flipping out.

According to the NYT, Winters was suspended by Major League Baseball for the remainder of the regular season today.

Winters was suspended because the commissioner’s office concluded he had used a profanity aimed at Bradley, a baseball official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because the reasoning for the suspension was not announced.

Although Bradley’s reaction was still pretty much uncalled for, I think it’s unfair to totally bash him. Winters has been around the league for a while, and as an ump he should know better than anyone that Bradley is prone to flying off the handle if provoked. Yet Winters cleary baited Bradley. As a result, San Diego is now without their best hitter for the rest of the season and it’s put San Diego’s playoff chances in jeopardy. There’s a legitimate argument to be made that Winters should be suspended for a much longer period of time.

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SO WHEN’S FIRENORVTURNER.COM GOING TO START UP?

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

After the Chargers lost to a suddenly relevant Packers team on Sunday, I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought it’s only a matter of time before Bolts fans set up a web site calling for Norv’s head. In fact, to be honest, I was actually surprised there wasn’t one up and running this morning. Considering San Diego didn’t lose much from last year’s team, and is now losing games that they shouldn’t lose while players are openly bickering at each other, this may officially cement Norv as the worst head coach in NFL history.

San Diego Chargers forums seem to be in consensus that if Norv loses next week, all hell will break loose. And all are openly talking about starting a firenorvturner.com web site. And who can blame them? Norv’s the ultimate retread who has gotten way more mileage than he ever should have gotten.

As one commenter on the official Chargers Forum said, “You get what you pay for.”

Indeed. The Chargers paid for quite possibly the worst NFL head coach in history. Their horrible start shouldn’t exactly be any major surprise. With some luck, maybe the fan base can actually jolt the front office into making a smart decision.

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WHAT TO DO WITH #756*

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers debate “What should Marc Ecko do with Barry Bonds’ #756 home run ball?”

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: He should artificially increase the size of the ball, because More Ball is Good, so that it entirely fills Pac Bell Park.

Then, it should be mounted there permanently, so that the Giants and their fans can better appreciate their decision to contribute to history.

Also, Bonds should be forced / allowed to play for the Giants for as long as he likes, at his current salary level or better.

After all, More Ball is Good. It’s only right.

Simon, SimonOnSports: I think he should brand it with an asterisk then give it to the hall of fame to encase in a urinal with the ball semi exposed with a plastic covering. So that every generation of fan can urinate on Barry Bonds record.

Sorry females… Maybe they can encase 755 in a little pop a squat chamber in the ladies room.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: Is there any way to launch the ball up Barry’s ass?

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: I think Ecko should take the ball and stick a syringe into it, then tell the Hall of Fame that they can only have it for display if they keep the syringe in place. If that doesn’t fly then he should tell Barry that he can have have it if he admits that he cheated to reach the record. And if that doesn’t happen, he should simply take a dump on it and throw it into the Hudson River.

WCK, 100% Injury Rate: Give it to me, I’m $750,000 in debt.

Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes: Give it to the winner of the first annual Kenny Mayne Kayak olympiad.

BD, Sports Show On Mute: Send it to the hall of fame with or without the branding. As tainted as it is it should still be in the hall.

Don, With Malice…: Mount it on a keyfob and send it to Sadaharu Oh.

BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity: He should sell the ball to someone else. Then they should use the ball to turn people’s contempt for Barry Bonds into a meaningless publicity stunt.

Oh.

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HAS HINES WARD BEEN STEALING?

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

For the most part, Hines Ward seems like a pretty good guy. A tireless worker, great teammate, and consumate professional. But he’s now found himself in some pretty nasty legal trouble and is being accused of some pretty bad stuff.

A business associate of Ward has accused the Steelers receiver and another associate, who together own a South Side bar, of removing money from the business and insurance fraud. Ward owns the Locker Room Bar & Grille, which opened in December 2005 in Pittsburgh.

The accuser says Ward and two associates failed to deposit cash receipts into the company accounts and have diverted the funds to their own personal bank accounts. The accuser states that despite profits of more than $1 million and insurance money of $500,000, the company’s bank accounts totaled less than $19,000 as of last week.

The accuser also claims that Ward and his associates created false invoices to defraud the business of insurance proceeds of $300,000.

“We don’t know where the money went,” said the accuser’s attorney, Bruce Fox. “There’s been a lot of money drained from the business.”

The main question is how large a role Ward played in this. The court proceedings have just begun, but you might keep your eye on this. If Ward is found guilty of embezzling and insurance fraud, I’d think Goodell might have a chat with him.

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MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE FOLLOWING AUSTRALIAN GOLF

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

I’m not sure how many of you follow Australian golf, but you’ll probably start doing that after you hear about this. It seems the lady off to your right is golf “star” Nikki Garrett. Yeah, I’d never heard of her either, but I’m sure you’d be happy to hear more.

Anyway, she’s actually involved in a somewhat interesting case over in Australia. She’s suing a magazine known as Zoo Weekly claiming the men’s mag made her out to be a prostitute.

See the problem is that the magazine published a picture of a scantily clad Garrett originally taken for the Women of Professional Golf calendar to raise money for charity – and of course the mag put a rather interesting caption below it (no, I don’t know what it was, but I can certainly guess).

Garrett said the article implied she was a person who would be photographed in lewd sexual poses for a “low-grade, smutty magazine like Zoo Weekly.”

She claimed it falsely portrayed her as “a prostitute” and sexually promiscuous, “so lustful she likes having sex on a golf course,” and the type of girl who “has sex indiscriminately.”

Anyway, she’s suing for defamation (which she won’t win because she’s a public figure) and breach of copyright (which she probably will win if the magazine didn’t get permission to use the picture).

But either way, you now have a reason to follow Australian golf.

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HOUSE OF MIRRORS: WHAT COULD STOP YOU FROM WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL?

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like “what came first the chicken or the egg?” or “can you get pregnant through anal?” Luckily for you – the huddled masses – Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers debate “Under what conditions would you *not* watch the Super Bowl?”

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and my Eagles are playing the hated Patriots in a a rematch of Super Bowl 39 (I use Arabic numbers to stick it to the Ro-Man). I’m barricaded in my Basement Man Space, with the non-sports-watching family upstairs. Surround sound is pumped, I’ve lifted weights for the last two hours in a fit of nervous energy, and all of the cock-tease years are about to come crashing down — as twelve starting Patriots have all been busted on an HGH sting in the bye week. Vegas took the line off the board after it got to 20. It’s as close to a coronation as will ever been seen in a Super Bowl.

Five minutes before kickoff, I hear a knock on the basement door. I open it, and out walks ! a much older me, carrying a loaded handgun. The older me tells me that he’s come from the future with an urgent message — that the Birds are going to jump out to a huge lead, decapitate Brady, and then piss away a 31 point lead in the fourth quarter on bad officiating, otherworldly luck, and a clear middle finger from God Almighty that the team is just never, ever going to win the Big Game.

Older Me is the real deal: he can answer intimate questions about my life. He shows me pictures of my kids growing up, their grandkids. He tells me about how my writing has become critically acclaimed, and how I’ve made more money than I ever believed possible — but that the memory of the Super Bowl loss has haunted me for decades. He then says, “You know what you need to do,” and fades away.

I twirl the handgun around in my hands. I hear my kids playing upstairs. I see the Eagles come out of the locker room. I think. And think.

And then, as the kickoff is in the air, I fire the gun into the television, Elvis-style, gently put the gun away, go upstairs to play with my kids, and never watch another minute of NFL football for the rest of my life.

WCK, 100% Injury Rate: If I were dead.

Simple, yet deep.

BD, Sports Show On Mute: I’d either have to be dead or in the middle of an orgy that features myself and four women. Then again, there is one other way. If I were [doing some fun things to] either Jessica Alba or Biel. That’s about it. Otherwise I’m half drunk and watching the Super Bowl.

SportsGirl365, Strike Zones and End Zones: No way. Even in the event of an orgy, that’s what halftime is for.

dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone: Sarah’s right…In my experience, halftime orgies are, BY FAR, the best kind and only way to go so as to miss absolutely NO football action…Really, who needs to see Janet Jackson’s right tit-tay anyway?

BD: I stand corrected. Maybe I overestimated how long I’d last. Then again the Super Bowl halftime show is about a half hour. Plenty of time.

Hank Worrell, Winning the Turnover Battle: About the only way I wouldn’t watch the Super Bowl would be if it was Comboys vs. Patriots. I wouldn’t be able to stand watching the game knowing there would be no happy ending. Kind of like what a national championship game between Oklahoma and Notre Dame would feel like. Vomit.

Davey, Blown Coverage: Giants vs. Colts.

Manning vs. Manning. I will probably give up on sports should that ever happen…

The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report: The only way that I would not watch the Super Bowl would be if Bill Belichick calls me the night before the game and asks me to video tape assistant coaches for him. Otherwise it’s by far my favorite Sunday of the year and I wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Brian P. Foley, The College Baseball Blog: If I spent the night with Jessica Alba.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: I would not watch the super bowl if I was getting some ass.

Don, With Malice…: Given that the Super Bowl occurs for me on Monday mornings… I’d have to state that the only thing that could stop me from not watching it would be… work. At least if I can’t finagle my way out of it!

Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict: I would not watch the Super Bowl if it featured those snore-inducing San Antonio Spurs. They are so good — and, more importantly, so determined to make me a miserable sports fan — that they could find a way to defy logic and meet the New England Patriots in The Big Game. That’s about the only thing that could kill my interest, not to mention the ratings.

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: The only way I would not watch the Super Bowl is if the Lingerie Bowl was expanded to a full three hours. And the only way any of these guys (including me) would be having any sex with Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel would be if they were actually in that very same Super Bowl, so that ain’t happenin’.

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MIKE HARGROVE’S NEW TEAM HAS A GREAT NAME

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

Some of you may be aware that Mike Hargrove is going to be back in baseball again. More than two months after abruptly stepping down as manager of the Seattle Mariners, Mike Hargrove has decided to take over a summer collegiate baseball team in southwest Kansas he played for more than 30 years ago.

And that team is the Liberal BeeJays. Yes, you read that right.

“Working with the BeeJays sounds interesting and exciting and fun,” said Hargrove.

It certainly does. Now my juvenile sentiment aside, I’m sort of surprised they haven’t changed the name yet. Yes the team resides in Liberal, Kansas, but I have never heard of a BeeJay. Is that a bird or something?

Anyway, I’m not going to go nuts on Hargrove. This is a three month a year gig working with great college baseball players. Some guys who have played for the BeeJays include Rich Harden, Troy Percival and Scott Hairston.

That’s a lot better than the grind of a full major league season.

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Late Night Fun: Golf and Acid Finally Unite

by WCK, 100% Injury Rate

This video has sort of been circulating the web of late and it’s just bizarre beyond belief. It’s a 1971 video from the BBC by the band Caravan. The song is Golf Girl, and it’s about raining H-Bombs and tea on the green and other strangely psychedelic golf analogies. Moral of the story, either do drugs or do golf, but definitely not both.

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