INTRODUCING TIPS FROM LISTON pt.7

by Liston, Introducing Liston

I’m Liston and I’m cool. Like, real cool. I wear black gloves and say things like, “dope” and “rad”. I live in my own efficiency apartment and pay half of the rent. My car has a bumper sticker that says “Liquor in the front, poker in the rear”. I have a samurai sword in my living room. I’m good with a pocket knife. This regular feature is called “Introducing Tips from Liston.” That’s me. I’m Liston and I’m cool.

Plain and simple, I’m a business man. I understand the subtle rules of the concrete jungle and I know how to play the game. It’s not about being on time or filing paperwork, it’s about giving awesome high-fives and making racist jokes behind minorities’ backs. You think I got where I am today by being an office pussy? No, sir. I got where I am today by being a total bad ass business man, and now you can be a bad ass business man too. Following these tips and it’s a guaranteed ride to the top of the mountain (with the rest of the white folks) on the kick ass gravy train, baby.

This week’s tip: How to be a bad ass business man

It’s all about subtlety in the office. Do these subtle tactics and then sit back and wait for the perks of being a boss (poon-tang, magic all-white lions and money) to roll in:

• Sexually harass the secretary. You might not see it, but everyone else is doing it and you should too. The trick is to be subtle but still sexually suggestive. This is how a pro sexually harasses a secretary: Walk over to her station, lean in, and say “Hey, how are you? You know, I just adopted a kitten from the Humane Society. I was thinking of you when I named him” (Secretaries always love cats so this is pretty much guaranteed to elicit a response) She’ll say, “Aw, that’s sweet. What did you name him?” and you say “I named him ‘WhorewhoImasturbateto’.” Perfect. Now you’ve got her eating out of the palm of your hand (and probably your pants, too.)
• Whenever you have your lunch meetings with important clients at Chili’s or whatever, do this: Say “Excuse me, homies. I have to go potty.” Stand up, put on some cool sunglasses and then walk towards the restroom. After about ten steps turn around, whistle to get their attention, lean your head down and look over the top of your glasses, and then give them a cool finger point move. (Note: They may start clapping after you do this and they’ll more than likely say, “F*ckin’ A, baby. That’s the American dream.”)
• I learned this next tip from my homie who knows a lot about Wall St. Whenever you have to do your quarterly review with the head honchos take about 5 minutes before your meeting to yourself and totally check out porn on the internet. DO NOT MASTURBATE. That way when you walk into the meeting you will have a big time boner. People respect boners and it will let the bosses know you are all about business. You should probably try to knock over their coffee or knock the blackberry off of their belt clips. Then ask for a raise.

Now you’re on the fast track to drinking diamond flavored soda and wearing jackets made from the fur of unicorns, just like all white people. You’re welcome.

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