by dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone
After last Wednesday’s post on the top 5 golf movie characters of all time, I received both, a large amount of praise and just straight bashing from people who didn’t see eye to eye with me and my decisions…So in an effort for fairness, and really, just because this needs to be done, I’m going to extend the list…I’m not going to number them, and there is no 6-10 stamped on these 5 new members to this list of Epic proportions (definite pun intended)…Instead, I’ll leave it to you to order these guys however your simple mind may, or may not see fit…Be warned…These next 5 come from only two movies…Caddyshack and Happy Gilmore…
Recap of Last Week: Gary Potter (Happy Gilmore), Bagger Vance (The Legend of Bagger Vance), Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy (Tin Cup), Happy Gilmore (Happy Gilmore), and Al Czervik (Caddyshack)
Chubbs Perterson (Carl Weathers) – Happy Gilmore: Chubbs embodied coolness…He gets his hand bitten off by an alligator…What does he do? Cry? Bitch? Moan? Hell no!…How about rip out its eye ball and keep with him in a jar…Oh yeah, and he had a wooden hand…If none of that makes you realize that Chubbs deserves to be on this list then I urge you to just repeat after me…”It’s all in the hips.” Keep saying it until you’re convinced Chubbs belongs…
Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald) – Happy Gilmore: Well, let’s see…He’s a cocky ass son of a bitch, and he eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast…Shooter also has one of the funniest lines in the movie when he says to Happy’s fans, “Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.” Oh yeah, you can count on meeting me in the parking lot…
Carl Spackler (Bill Murray) – Caddyshack: I’m just going to give you three quotes from Spackler, and if that isn’t enough to convince you that he belongs, then all hope of you ever gaining a sense of humor is lost…Quote 1: “So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice. ” Quote 2: “License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote.” Quote 3: “This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.” ‘Nuff said…
Judge Elihu Smails (Ted Knight) – Caddyshack: Judge Smails is very similar to Shooter McGavin in the fact that he is an utter and complete bag of douche…He is, however, a bag of some really ‘effin funny douche…Don’t believe me? How about these lines?…”I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.” Not good enough for ya?…How about this one?…Danny Noonan tells Judge Smails that he’s always wanted to go to college in hopes of Smails giving him the caddy scholarship…Old Smails responds with, “Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.” Just classic…Oh how rude of me…I almost forgot to ask…”How about a Fresca?” “I OWE YOU NOTHING!“
and…
Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) – Caddyshack: Though odd, Ty is definitely funny enough to make me wonder how I left him out of the original list…Between calling Danny Noonan Betty and lines like, “You don’t have to go to college. This isn’t Russia. Is this Russia? This isn’t Russia.” and “A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.” Ty Webb was probably the most eccentric character in golf movie history, and that’s saying something when he shared a screen with Al Czervik…
Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments section…If there are enough good ideas, I’ll put together a round 3 for next week…
0 responses so far ↓
There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.