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PAGING DREW BLEDSOE

by The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report

There is a startling trend in the NFL right now and I don’t mean the fact that we have about four quality teams and a bunch of crap. If you’re like me and god lets all hope that you aren’t you probably try to watch as much NFL as possible on Sundays. Whether this means ignoring your significant other for eight hours on a Sunday when it’s 80 degrees out in October, or putting a small child in a locked broom closet so you’re sure they don’t drink Drain-O while you’re not paying attention I’m sure that you do everything in your power to ignore the outside world and enjoy grown men beating each other up. If I’ve just accurately described you then I’m sure you’re also well aware that there is an epidemic plaguing the NFL this season – it’s a drug resistant strain of crappy quarterbacks.

At any time on Sunday you could have used DirecTV and the NFL package to watch games where an offense was being run by Chad Pennington, Trent Edwards, Cleo Lemon, Kyle Boller, Trent Dilfer, Tarvaris Jackson, Damon Huard, Brian Griese, the Joey Harrington/Byron Leftwich project, Sage Rosenfels, Marc Bulger with broken ribs, and Kerry Collins. That list doesn’t even count the David Carr/Vinny Testeverde double-headed monster that was on the bye week, or Derek Anderson who has actually surprised the entire planet with his average to above average quarterback play. I’ve also left off that list quarterbacks who are average or questionable like Kurt Warner, Jason Campbell, Daunte Culpepper, Jon Kitna, the ghost of Matt Hasselbeck, or the artist formerly known as Drew Brees. You could probably also throw some names on that list who are either performing way above expectations (see: Favre, Brett), leading their team into the toilet (see: Palmer, Carson), or surprising everyone with how unterrible and unspectacular their play has been (see: Cutler, Jay). In all I just named 25 quarterbacks who either played significant minutes, or expect to play significant minutes for their teams.

In case you’re wondering there is 32 teams in the NFL – meaning that if my list is the comprehensive list of quarterbacks that you wouldn’t take to build a team around then you’re looking at an astonishing 7 teams with their quarterback situation taken care of. I’d say that Kerry Collins is a place holder until Vince Young comes back so you could take them off the list, and Sage Rosenfelds was standing in for Matt Schaub so they probably don’t count either. But even with those taken into account you’re talking about less then 10 teams in the NFL who have the most important position on the field locked up for the foreseeable future. In case you’re wondering those teams are New England, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Dallas, NY Giants, Philadelphia, and Tampa Bay. Included in those teams are some questionable choices as well like Eli Manning who has been playing much better as of late, Philip Rivers who is unspectacular but not a negative player on the field, Donovan McNabb who is a grab bag of awfulness and greatness, and Jeff Garcia who has been released by every team he’s ever played for.

In all you could probably say that if you’re not New England, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, or Dallas you’re quarterback situation is up in the air for the foreseeable future. Is there any surprise then that if you were going to name the four best teams in the NFL those four would show up on about 99% of the ballots? How is it possible then that nobody in the NFL has been able to find a quality quarterback through the draft? I’d assume that everyone in the league realizes that they need a quarterback and then a serviceable back up plan right? Then how is it that Vinny Testeverde winds up being a starter 21 years after winning the Heisman trophy?

College football has roughly 38941 football teams in a given season and I’d wager that each one of them has a quarterback. Let us assume for the sake of this argument that 50% of the teams in the NCAA graduate a quarterback and of that number 10% of them have actual arms and brains to the point where they could be a not negative impact player on the football field. You’re telling me that each season there isn’t at least – AT LEAST – two quarterbacks who could be above average NFL players eligible for the draft? Because if there has only been four quality NFL starting quarterbacks coming into the league since Peyton Manning was drafted that is a pretty terrible indictment of the scouting ability of each team in the league, and the playing ability of every human quarterback in colleges across the country.

In the NFL quality running backs, stand out wide receivers, really good tight ends, shut down corners and hard hitting safeties fall out of trees. But for whatever reason there doesn’t seem to be a single person in the entire NFL who can find quality quarterbacks – and I understand that comparing players to Manning or Brady is unfair because those two will go down in the books as two of the best ever – but you’ve got to admit that there is a high number of crappy players leading NFL offenses (offensi?) this season. So I throw it out to you the EC faithful – why can’t teams seem to find quality quarterbacks?

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THE MIDWAY: SI, A MISSION FROM GOD & PRAYERS FOR SD

Writers are bailing out of Sports Illustrated faster than those in the engine room of the Titanic. (It’s a Fly World)

If the Rockies are truly on a mission from God… what do you think Dan Akroyd and John Belushi have to say about that? (Red Sox Monster)

Thoughts and prayers for everyone in San Diego. (Rumors and Rants)

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BOSTON AUTHORITIES HAVE EASED UP A BIT

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Back in 2004 when the Red Sox were making their dramatic comeback and fans were rioting in the streets of Boston weren’t very understanding. Boston fully busted out the Riot Police shot pepper spray projectiles into the crowd and even killed a girl. Even in the streets of little ole Worcester Mass I witnessed riot police shooting out rubber bullets after the Sox won the World Series.

Not surprisingly three years later drunk fans continue to riot the streets of Boston after a big win, because well they’re douchebags. However, the Boston authorities apparently have differed their tactics on disciplining their youth. Now when college kids are arrested for being general asses instead of getting shot at with ‘less-lethal’ weaponry, they are arrested and given strict punishment. Forcing them to tell their mommies and write a 5 page essay about what they’ve learned from being arrested after the ALCS game 7 victory.

Wow that is harsh Mr. Boston judge and very productive. Not even forcing them to do some community service. Just a five page essay, that should take about two hours of pulling straight BS out of their ass and maybe just maybe they will get their exorbitant allowance taken away. I’m sure they will definitely think twice next week when the Sox win the World Series and they are drunk on the streets of Boston and thinking about flipping over a car or lighting something on fire.

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THE NICKELODEON: THIS JAGS FAN HAS SKILLZ

Have you ever wondered what someone giving a hummer to the 50-foot-woman would look like? Oh shut up, yes you have.

Thanks to this clever Jaguars fan, we and everyone watching Monday Night Football now knows.

Enjoy air cunnilingus after the jump (maybe NSFW).

(Credit Mister Irrelevant for the find.)

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TOP 10 WORLD SERIES STORIES THAT WILL START AT INSUFFERABLE AND GET MUCH WORSE WITH REPETITION

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Did you know that the Red Sox won a World Series in 2004, and hence have loads more experience at winning the World Series? (This is a major advantage. Just ask the 2005 White Sox, the 2003 Marlins, or the 2002 Angels…)

9. Jon Papelbon. He’s wacky! He’s Irish! He’s dancing! Meanwhile, Colorado closer Manny Corpas just held up a liquor store while wearing women’s clothing. We’ll have the story in a few hours, after we’ve shown Pap dancing a few dozen more times.

8. The Rockies are filled with born-again types, while the Red Sox are clearly devotees of Satan. No, wait! Actually it turns out that the Red Sox also have some Jeezers on the roster. Phew, I was worried that we weren’t going to be able to mix religion into this!

7. Gosh, these teams are different! One team has a fan base that goes back over a century. The other has fans that have been watching their team for well over a decade — which is to say, they have no fans, really.

6. No one knows who the Rockies are! And despite days of being able to tell you, your sports media will just repeat that they are not well known. Don’t you love reporting without actual reporting?

5. The Rockies have won a lot of games! Does that make them hot, too hot, or ready to cool down? (Answer: The Red Sox are a 2-to-1 favorite to win. So we know what the betting public thinks…)

4. Ticket Mania! Over eight million requests on the Rockies Web site for tickets! And yes, they were all from New England! Thanks for asking!

3. Baseball in Denver in October! Will it be cold? Could there be snow? Is this an unmitigated horror that shows that the world is going to hell in a handbasket? All signs point to YES!

2. In the NL park, the teams will play by National League rules — which means David Ortiz has to play first if the Sox want his bat in the lineup. Is Ortiz better at first base defensively than many people think, does this prove that Bud Selig is a menace for not making the rules universal, and does this give the Rockies an unfair home field advantage? (We’d tell you, but we’ve got a whole other day of non-coverage hype to fill here. Have a heart.)

1. Which celebrities are rooting for each team, and can we somehow get them to talk about their fan loyalties?

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RANDOM OBSERVATIONS : COLTS @ JAGUARS, SECOND HALF EDITION

by Davey, Blown Coverage

The Jags looked like sh*t on a stick in that first half. To make things worse, it looks like Garrard will be replaced by Quinn Gray again. That’s pretty deflating if you ask me. Not only are the Jags down 17, but their comeback is riding on the arm of Quinn Gray.

Speaking of deflating, Espn just reminded me that Tom Brady put up 6 touchdowns on my Dolphins and that Ronnie Brown is out for the year. Right now I’m as limp as Bob Dole without his Viagra. It’s pretty sad really. Either way, the second half is about to get underway and I could certainly use the distraction…

• Well, this is exactly what the Jags need. MJD takes the opening kick-off and gets a great return into Indy territory. That was a nasty move he put on Vinatieri. That’s the type of move that will make a guy lose his manhood.

• Touchdown Jags. Jacksonville realizes that they’ll need to run the ball if they’re going to have a chance and that’s just what they did on this drive. MJD churns those powerful legs and works his way into the endzone. Tony Dungy is challenging that MJD fumbled but the call stands. Indy 17, Jacksonville 7 and we might have a game here.

• Colts starting left tackle Tony Ugoh is on the sidelines and the backup tackle Charlie Johnson is getting used by Paul Spicer like a cheap hooker. Spices pressures Manning twice in a row and if Ugoh doesn’t return soon, Manning might be having unwanted sex with Spicer before the night is over.

• Speaking of unwanted sex, the Colts answer right back. Hunter Smith pins the Jags deep into their territory with a good punt and Dwight Freeney takes advantage by sacking Quinn Gray for a safety. Quinn absolutely did not have a chance on that one and the result is that Indy now leads 19-7.

• In the meantime, Rusell Crowe has joined the booth and I see no reason why this should have happened. The only way that Crowe can earn some points in my book right now would be by making his way down to the field right now and stabbing Manning in his throwing shoulder with a rusty pocket knife.

• Paul Spicer has been all over Manning since Ugoh has left the game with his unknown injury and I’m sure that Kenny Chesney is not liking this. The fact that a rather large gentleman is constantly riding Manning to the ground must be making Chesney as jealous as a 16 year old girl. That said, Tony Ugoh is showing his worth tonight…

• The Jags defensive line comes up big and stops Indy in the redzone. Vinatieri tacks on another short field goal and it’s a 22-7 lead now for Indy. Jacksonville is still down only by 15 even though they have been thoroughly outplayed so far.

• Quinn Gray’s last 4 pass attempts. Interception, Incomplete pass, Complete pass for -2 yards and a Safety. Can’t say that I’m surprised folks..

• Oh, and there’s another interception. Gray tries to go deep but the pass is underthrown and Kelvin Hayden comes down with an easy pick. Quinn Gray is not endearing himself to the locals here.

• Reggie Wayne is having one hell of a game tonight. Even though he doesn’t have any touchdowns, he’s over 100 yards and he’s making one great catch after another. Marvin Harrison might get all the pub, but I’d take Wayne on my team any day. Reggie Wayne belongs in that elite receiver group.

• Brian Williams picks off Peyton Manning and Jags might still have some hope here. Manning’s pass got tipped at the line by Rob Meier and after the ball got bobbled some, it ended up in Williams’ hands. The Jags are still only down 15 and they need to get something going here.

• Nevermind that I guess. Gray leads a crappy drive and the Jags turn it over on downs. If I’m Jack Del Rio, I’d just stick Matt Jones in at quarterback right now because I don’t see how he could do any worse than Gray right now. Quinn Gray makes J.P. Losman look like Carson Palmer.

• And there’s the ballgame. Manning finds a wide open Dallas Clark and that should do it. Colts lead 29-7 with under 4 minutes to go and this one looks to be decided.

• Oh, speaking of Matt Jones. Jones is growing his beard and vowing not to shave until he scores a touchdown. Jones will probably end up looking like this guy because I really don’t see him scoring anytime soon. He’ll be seeing a razor blade as much as I’ll be seeing happiness.

• This is just sad right now. Gray is just randomly chucking up passes and hoping that they land somewhere near his receivers. And right as I type this, Gray gets sacked and that should do it. Colts take over and are a knee or two away from running this clock out.

• So that’s it. Colts go to 7-0 and the build up to their November 4th match-up with New England will be sickening. Well, I’m done here. The only thing left for today is violent masturbation and I’m not going to keep it waiting any longer.

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RANDOM OBSERVATIONS : COLTS @ JAGUARS, FIRST HALF EDITION

by Davey, Blown Coverage

Holy crap. Monday Night Football. Colts at Jags. My pants are wetter than a midget in a swimming pool. We all know the stories here. The Jags hate the Colts and probably play them harder than any other team does. I hate the Colts and therefore I’ll be rooting for Jacksonville tonight. See, simple math really.

It hurts to write this but I’m expecting Indy to win this one. They’re coming off of a bye, it’s prime time and they know that the Jags will be gunning for them. It might be close, but I sadly think that Indy will win here. For fantasy purposes I have Reggie Wayne, Marvin Harrison and Fred Taylor. Tirico, Jaws and Kornheiser are the commentators and we are ready to go..

• Espn starts things off by showing this little segment with Steve Carrel where Carell is asked to give advice to the Jags defense on how to stop the Indy offense. Carell offers up plenty of options which include bludgeoning Manning with a stick but the best one by far was the option of getting Peyton pregnant. Meanwhile Peter King nods his head and offers to seed that soil.

• Reggie Nelson almost picks off a Manning pass when Peyton tries to connect with Marvin Harrison off of the play-action. If I’m Nelson, I’d be concentrating on connecting my helmet a few times with Marvin’s sore knee right now.

• Espn shows a graphic that says that Hunter Smith has punted 13 times so far this season. I don’t know what’s more surprising, seeing Hunter Smith’s cool goatee or the fact that this Colts offense has actually been forced to punt 13 times this season.

• David Garrard leads one of his receivers and the poor guy gets destroyed by Kelvin Hayden. I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t know who that Jags receiver was…

• And there’s another Hunter Smith punt. We’re about midway through the first quarter and Smith has already had to do more than he usually does in an entire game.

• Jaws mentions that when the Jags ran for over 300 yards on Indy last season, that it was mainly because Bob Sanders wasn’t playing. Kornheiser jumps in and sarcastically refers to Sanders as Chuck Norris because he can single handedly stop the Jaguars running game. I fully expect Kornheiser to get a roundhouse kick to the sternum within the next 5 minutes because he used Norris’ name without permission.

• And the Colts strike first. Indy puts a nice drive together and Kenton Keith finishes it off with a strong touchdown run. So with all of Indy’s offensive weapons, the first touchdown goes to Kenton Keith, a guy who my fantasy opponent is starting today. Awesome. My life is one big party. Indy 7, Jax 0.

• David Garrard gets sacked and takes a helmet to the knee. It looks like it could be a knee injury but it could also be his ankle that got rolled up. Garrard is going to be taken out and the great Quinn Gray will make an appearance. This will surely make the Jags feel good about their chances tonight.

• Yup, and Quinn Gray shows why he is Quinn Gray. Gray tries to get cheeky on his first pass attempt and it’s picked off by Bob Sanders. For those of you who wonder why Quinn Gray has been a third stringer for most of his career…well, there’s your answer.

• After Peyton connects on a long pass to Reggie Wayne, he finishes off the drive with quarterback sneak touchdown and that was pretty gay if you ask me. Meanwhile, David Garrard is getting ready to get back in the game and I can’t blame him. A crippled Garrard is still a notch above Quinn Gray. Colts 14, Jags 0.

• Garrard is hobbling around and he is not looking good out there. The Jags offense gets stopped again and this one might get out of hand if they don’t get a stop here.

• The Colts drive into Jaguars territory but the drive comes to an end when Kenton Keith fails to catch a pass that was tossed in his direction. Peyton is furious at Keith for not catching that and that was probably the most “PG-13″ scolding that Keith has ever gotten in his life. Vinatieri adds a short field goal and the Colts lead 17-0.

• And there’s halftime. The Jags defense got off to a strong start but the lethargic offense is not helping their cause and the Colts are taking advantage of that. If the Jags don’t come out firing, this one will be over very soon…

* Image courtesy of Boxofficeprophets.com

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HEATHCLIFF WENT TO SOME NFL GAMES

by BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity

Who gives a crap about my thoughts on this week’s NFL games, especially when Heathcliff can do it for me.

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THE AFTER PARTY

Another week, another set of really bad fantasy football advice from Peter King. (Blown Coverage)

Paul Byrd is playing the pituitary gland, low testosterone card. (Sports On My Mind)

Don “The Predator” Frye was in a fight after being sucker-punched by the bodyguard of Leland Chapman (son of the Bounty Hunter). (Prophet Fighting)

Ever wonder why Philly sports fans are so surly? It’s because they’re the ugliest city in America. So says science. (The Blog of Hilarity)

The Red Sox making it into the World Series has conspiracy theorists out in full force … again. (USA Today: Sports Scope)

To show that not everything related to Red Sox homerism is vomit-inducing, be sure to watch our very own Kristine giving the news in her Sox gear. (The FanHouse)

How Scott Boras became the most hated man in baseball. (I’m Writing Sports)

Reggie Bush should really thank Keith Brooking for his touchdown run. (First and 10 Inches)

Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Very nice. (Popaholic)

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